What Is Assertive Communication? How to Communicate Better

Assertive communication is straightforward without being rude, and it is self-aware without being self-involved. Assertiveness, in general, is the moderate point between aggression and passivity. Being assertive can help you achieve greater mental health and wellness, avoid burnout, improve your job satisfaction, increase your self-esteem, and maintain better relationships.

When you use assertive communication, you recognize your own needs as well as the needs of others. You recognize everyone has their own set of opinions, desires, and emotional requirements—and how this can sometimes lead to conflict. Rather than seeking to bully someone or avoid conflict altogether, an assertive person seeks out solutions amenable to all parties involved, including themselves.

Assertive communication helps you stand your own ground while remaining diplomatic to others. Keep these seven assertiveness skills in mind as you attempt to communicate more effectively:

1. 1. Adopt confident body language. Assertiveness means approaching tough situations and people confidently, so adopt the body posture to go along with such self-assurance. Maintain strong eye contact, stand or sit up straight, and strive for nonverbal communication capable of conveying the same message as whatever you hope to say more explicitly.
2. 2. Balance honesty with kindness. As you convey your point of view in an assertive manner—especially in a tense situation—remember to still exert self-control and utilize stress management techniques. Be honest about what you want the other person to do (or stop doing) while remaining kind and well-intentioned in your approach. Honesty without kindness can easily turn into aggression; kindness without honesty can easily turn into passivity.
3. 3. Be respectful but firm. Being assertive means insisting on mutual respect for all parties involved. This means stepping away from a conversation if you get an aggressive response and earnestly requesting a more assertive response if you detect more passivity in the other person. Respect the other person’s boundaries as you would hope they would respect yours. Use a calm but firm tone of voice when speaking and listen with a willing ear.
4. 4. Compromise when possible. Assertive communication can lead to win-win compromises for everyone. When you respect another person’s right to their point of view and honestly seek to meet them in the middle, it’s easier for them to want to do the same for you. This allows everyone—from coworkers to family members to longtime friends—to walk away from conflict feeling better rather than worse.
5. 5. Practice being assertive. If you’re not accustomed to using an assertive communication style, it’s okay to practice scenarios where you might use it by role-playing with close friends and loved ones. Suppose you need to stand up to your boss. Ask a relative or friend if they will role-play as your manager so you can do at-home assertiveness training. This helps prepare you for the actual conversation.
6. 6. Stand up for yourself. Assertiveness means having the self-respect to not tolerate aggressive responses from other people. If an aggressive person has no regard for another person setting boundaries, even the most assertive person in the world will have a hard time conducting a conversation with them in a positive way. Always advocate for yourself and be ready to walk away from a conversation with a bully.
7. 7. Use “I” statements. Assert yourself by using your own feelings as the barometer rather than accusing the other person of character defects. Share your own viewpoints and negative feelings by using “I” statements. For example, say “I feel upset when you forget to do your half of the chores” rather than “You’re lazy and you don’t care about me.” “You” statements can feel pushy and aggressive, whereas “I” statements exhibit a desire to courteously make the other person aware of how they’ve upset you.

People communicate in a various ways—some more effective than others. Here are three other common communication styles you might experience or use yourself:

1. 1. Aggressive communication: When someone acts bossy or bullies another person to get what they want, they’ve allowed their assertive behavior to turn into explicitly aggressive behavior. Aggressive communication refuses to recognize other people’s personal rights—the aggressive communicator only considers themselves and their emotional needs and desires when communicating.
2. 2. Passive communication: If you disregard your own needs and personal feelings to make other people more comfortable, you might be a more passive communicator. People often feel the need to communicate in this way to prevent others from becoming aggressive with them. If a passive person decides to become more assertive, they might find it difficult at first but beneficial in the long run.
3. 3. Passive-aggressive communication: This hybrid of passive and aggressive communication masks aggressive behavior behind passive facial expressions, verbiage, and body language. As an example, passive-aggressive people might say something is “fine” in a tone of voice that clearly indicates things are not actually “fine.” Rather than forthrightly asserting their own needs, passive-aggressive communicators hint at them in a way they hope gets the other person to recognize their own wrongdoing through subtle (and occasionally not-so-subtle) hinting.

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