Toxic Perfectionism: How to Overcome Extreme Perfectionism

Toxic perfectionism is perfectionism with no accompanying sense of realism. People with these perfectionistic tendencies set unrealistic expectations for themselves and others and consider any deviation from these standards as tantamount to the end of the world. They cease to see perfection as a direction in which to head and begin to think it’s a goal someone can actually achieve.

While it generally originates as a form of self-oriented perfectionism, it can easily end up affecting many different people in the perfectionist’s orbit as well. When you refuse to accept your own flaws or shortcomings, you become more likely to project these harsh standards onto other people. As a result, toxic perfectionism can make it difficult for you to maintain relationships in both your personal and professional life.

Toxic perfectionism manifests in different ways for everyone, but there are some commonalities from one person to another. Here are four key symptoms:

1. 1. A high propensity toward criticism: Toxic or maladaptive perfectionism leads you to develop a highly self-critical attitude. As a person continues their relentless and unrealistic pursuit of perfection, they might begin to view others as obstacles in their way, too. At this point, they might start to criticize other people's failures to take the focus off themselves. This constant propensity toward criticism can cause a multitude of issues in both personal and professional relationships as a result.
2. 2. An increased feeling of inadequacy: Negative thoughts plague toxic perfectionists and persuade them they aren’t worth anything unless they perform to superhuman standards. This often spirals into imposter syndrome and a need for constant validation. While some toxic perfectionists channel this sense of inadequacy into overworking, others might tend toward procrastination.
3. 3. An intense fear of failure: When you set extremely lofty goals, you’re less likely to achieve them. Still, this is what toxic perfectionists do, and it often leads them to burnout. Their fear of failure can cause them to work themselves and everyone they have control over to the bone. This attitude makes failure more likely, as it’s exceedingly difficult to perform under such a high degree of stress.
4. 4. A tendency to set unrealistic standards: There’s a fine line between setting high expectations and impossible ones. Toxic perfectionists almost always tend toward the latter. This renders many naturally high achievers incapable of performing to the best of their ability since they refuse to pace themselves, rest and recharge, or accept that perfection is an impossible standard to reach.

If you overcome toxic perfectionism, you’ll feel a far greater sense of ease and joy when you work hard to achieve your goals. Keep these tips in mind as you strive in this direction:

• Accept your best efforts. Remind yourself all you can do is your best, rather than the best. Practice self-compassion when you fall short of your personal standards or someone else’s. In the vast majority of scenarios, so-called “failures” are simply opportunities to learn and improve for next time. Remind yourself everyone has strengths and weaknesses, as well as good days and bad days, and there’s no such thing as true perfection in the real world anyway.
• Reassess where you find your worth. Anchor your self-worth in your innate dignity as a human being, rather than in any specific form of task performance. No matter how high or low you set your personal standards, there will be days you exceed them and days where you can’t clear the bar. Rather than allow your self-esteem to fluctuate between those two extremes, rest assured your intrinsic worth comes from your basic essence as a person rather than as a consistently high performer.
• Reframe your thought process. If your inner voice always tends to criticize, it’s time to try to reframe your self-talk habits. Practice mindfulness as a means of conducting a meta-analysis of your thought patterns. Ask how and why you feel the need to berate yourself and others for simply being human. Grant yourself the grace you need to truly thrive, and do the same for everyone else around you.
• Set reasonable goals. You can set high standards for yourself so long as you’re willing to accept you might not always reach them. Still, do your best to set goals you can realistically achieve rather than constantly going after perfection in its purest essence. Break large goals into smaller ones to make them easier to achieve from one day to the next.
• Talk to a professional. Toxic perfectionism can give rise to additional mental health problems. For example, if someone is a toxic perfectionist in regard to their body image, they might develop unhealthy eating habits alongside their initial problematic desire to be perfect at all times. Reach out to loved ones for support, and seek a trained mental health professional to help you work through your perfectionism.

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