Stonewalling Meaning: How to Respond to Stonewalling

Stonewalling is a harmful communication tactic and defense mechanism in which someone shirks emotional intimacy by giving their partner the silent treatment to avoid stressful conversations.

A stonewalling partner does not communicate feelings and evades deeper conversations out of discomfort. This behavior is a form of gaslighting and can make the other partner feel ignored and unable to engage in difficult conversations. Stonewalling is often a result of a lack of self-esteem or relationship satisfaction.

A form of emotional abuse, stonewalling can take many shapes. Some signs of stonewalling might include:

1. 1. Your partner changes the subject. Those who stonewall will go to great lengths not to discuss a topic that worries them.
2. 2. Your partner displays uncomfortable body language. People who stonewall often avoid eye contact and display uncomfortable body language when tense situations arise. Stonewalling can cause other psychological changes, like an increased heart rate.
3. 3. Your partner does not answer questions. Stonewalling is a form of nonverbal communication; people will stay silent, exit a room, or ignore their partner if they are uncomfortable answering specific questions or discussing certain topics.
4. 4. Your partner is uncomfortable discussing feelings. When people stonewall, they will evade topics that increase stress. Such issues might include the next phase of a relationship, professional success, or family dynamics.

People stonewall as a coping mechanism or manipulation tactic. While psychologist and couples therapist Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute found women stonewall less frequently than men, both genders are capable of stonewalling their partners. Consider the following reasons for stonewalling:

1. 1. To avoid difficult conversations: People might stonewall their partner if they experience dissatisfaction in their professional lives, friendships, or family relationships. They might stonewall their partner by avoiding discussion of these issues.
2. 2. To bring a conflict to crisis mode: In more extreme cases, stonewalling can be a means to an end. A person might want to end a relationship but continues to avoid discussing it. They will use stonewalling to freeze someone out, leading to an eventual explosion that finally ends the relationship.
3. 3. To manipulate tricky situations: People might be unhappy in their romantic relationship and will manipulate the situation by stonewalling to gain control.

Stonewalling can have detrimental effects on a relationship. Stonewalling can lead to bitterness, a lack of trust in the relationship, and disorientation as you question yourself and the person you thought you loved. At its worst, stonewalling can lead to a breakup or continued mental anguish as partners fail to build a bridge between them.

There are healthy ways to respond to stonewalling. If you are on the receiving end of stonewalling, try these response methods:

• Discuss topics in a safe space. If your partner bristles at conversations in public, try only bringing them up in a safe space where they will be comfortable.
• Give an ultimatum. Speak with your partner’s close friends about their well-being. You can give your partner an ultimatum to maintain your mental wellness. Be prepared to follow through, however, or an ultimatum will be ineffective.
• Offer help. If your partner is still unresponsive, ask them about seeing a couples therapist.
• Prioritize self-care. If your partner is stonewalling you, it is essential to practice self-care. You might take time for yourself and separate from your partner for a while.
• Take a breather. If a conversation is causing your partner stress, try not to bring it up for two or three days. Give it some time and see if that lightens the mood.
• Tell your partner how you feel. Calmly tell your partner how stonewalling impacts you. This can personalize the situation and stimulate your partner’s empathy.

To combat stonewalling, people sometimes need professional help. If the partners feel their relationship is worth salvaging, couples therapy can be a healthy way to take steps toward problem-solving. A couples therapist can open communication between the partners and give them the tools necessary to understand how to bring up and discuss thorny subjects.

People can also seek out individual mental health professionals if they prefer to have more private, one-on-one conversations. These can improve a person’s wellness and give the wounded partner a safe space to discuss their issues, which can then shift their point of view and improve the romantic relationship.

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.