Emily Morse on Sexual Expectations

Emily Morse is a famous sex therapist and media personality. Host of the podcast Sex With Emily, which launched in 2005, Emily has also appeared on Bravo’s Miss Advised, a reality television show about dating advice. The Los Angeles Times, San Francisco Chronicle, and The New York Times, who compared Emily to the famed Dr. Ruth, have featured her expertise on sex and relationships. Additionally, Emily has written articles for Glamour, Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, and others.

When it comes to casual or intimate relationships, people often carry sexual expectations. These expectations might include wanting all sex to be good sex, all sexual experiences to be memorable, and sexual pleasure to be chief in all sexual encounters. These sexual expectations, also known as “sexpectations,” are often unrealistic and can put a lot of pressure on your ability to perform and find satisfaction with your sex life.

Unrealistic sexual expectations can make it challenging to have a fulfilling sex life. Expectations can reinforce stereotypes, such as women must wear lingerie or the idea that men have a stronger sex drive than women. Misconceptions around sex can lead to body image issues and affect mental well-being.

There are many types of sex, and sexual activity should be comfortable, first and foremost. You might experiment with a casual partner or try a new form of foreplay with a longtime lover. It is essential to communicate with your partner, practice safe sex, and know sex can mean different things in different contexts.

When anticipating sexual encounters, go in with an open mind devoid of fantasy-like expectations. Emily Morse shares some tips on how to do so below:

1. 1. Create a sex menu. It is essential to be vulnerable with your partner and discuss what gives you pleasure, then add it to a menu of sex positions to try. “It’s very hard to step out of a comfort zone with a partner,” Emily says. “We’re like, ‘I know I want something different, but I don't really know what that is.’ ‘I don’t know what else is on the menu, but I know this doesn’t feel great anymore.’”
2. 2. Destigmatize kink. People generally have a narrow view of sex. Exploring kinks can be a way to broaden your sexuality. “Kink is any sex act, idea, fantasy or behavior that is seen outside the vanilla sex realm,” Emily says. “People hear kink and think, ‘Oh, I need to buy all these whips and chains and tools, and I’m going to be tied up from the rafters and it's going to be painful . . . kinky sex is for freaks.’ But I see kink, and I hope you might see kink, as just another way to explore your sexuality and see what might feel good in our pursuit of pleasure—this journey we’re all on.”
3. 3. Know that the media doesn’t always get sex right. Films often misrepresent sex and can lead people to have unrealistic expectations. “All the sex you ever see in movies, media, in porn is this very limited picture of what sex actually is,” Emily says. “People think that porn’s like a blueprint. ‘This is exactly how we’re supposed to have sex.’ It doesn’t differentiate at all between what is real sex and what is fake sex.”
4. 4. Practice mutual masturbation. Masturbation can be a healthy part of all relationships. “My philosophy on masturbation is that it is the key to figuring out your body and what makes you feel good. It’s actually the roadmap,” Emily says. “Having a healthy masturbation practice is an important pillar of your overall sexual health and well-being.” Some may want to masturbate alone, but you can also suggest mutual masturbation now and then, where you pleasure yourselves together to foster greater connection.
5. 5. Take responsibility of your pleasure. Not all sex is perfect, and not all sex has to end with a partner giving you an orgasm. “We are responsible for our own pleasure,” Emily says. “I’m responsible for my orgasm; you’re responsible for your orgasm. It’s not about your partner giving you an orgasm. It’s about us understanding what we need and what feels good.”

Craving a little more intimacy? Grab a MasterClass Annual Membership and learn more about open communication with your partners, experimenting in the bedroom, and being your own best sexual advocate with a little help from Emily Morse (host of the wildly popular podcast Sex With Emily).