Sex Questions Overview: 6 Tips for Asking Sex Questions

Sex questions are inquiries you can use to openly and honestly ask about another person’s sexual preferences, interests, and desires. From hookups and one-night stands to long-term relationships, respectfully asking questions can open up a safe dialogue for each participant to share what turns them on and what doesn’t, with the goal of better sex for everyone involved.

Whether in person or during digital communication like sexting (flirty, intimate text messages), sexy questions can serve different purposes, from foreplay to improving or revitalizing sex in a healthy relationship. Whenever you ask sex questions or send flirtatious, intimate messages, ensure the receiver wants to engage in this dialogue.

Many people feel uncomfortable talking about sex; they may think it’s inappropriate to discuss sexual matters, talking about sex “kills the magic,” or sexual exploration is better if it’s spontaneous. However, communication about sex is vital in any healthy sexual relationship because it allows each participant to collaborate in a sexual experience that is more in tune with each partner’s desires and comfort zones.

In addition, asking sexual questions outside of a sexual moment, like when you’re spending relaxed quality time together, can foster a safer, less-charged space for open discussion, creating more opportunities for fun, fulfilling sex later.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when you have a sexual conversation with a partner:

1. 1. Always be honest. Talking openly and truthfully is essential for a healthy sexual conversation. The information you share helps your partner or partners improve their understanding of your sexual preferences and encourages them to share their desires honestly.
2. 2. Ask follow-ups. Talking about sex beforehand can be a great way to have a more collaborative sexual experience, but don’t forget the importance of a check-in afterward. Talking to your partner after a sexual experience—either during a cuddle session immediately afterward or another time—allows you to ask specific questions about what went well and what you could improve on.
3. 3. Avoid making fun of each other’s preferences. A sexual conversation should be a safe space where everyone involved feels comfortable sharing fetishes, kinks, and boundaries. Common sexual fantasies include things like anal sex, threesomes, quickies, role play, skinny dipping, or group sex. If you make fun of an intimate detail your partner shares, they may feel shamed and less willing to share honestly in the future. Instead, empathetically discuss how you both feel about the desire and whether it’s something you could find a place for in your sex lives.
4. 4. Feel free to keep it informational. Sex questions don’t have to initiate sex or be arousing—in fact, a good conversation about sex may be purely informational. If you and your partner or partners have a conversation about sex to learn more about each others’ preferences, don’t feel pressured to turn it into a type of foreplay by transitioning to more dirty questions unless it feels right for you.
5. 5. Frame comments and suggestions positively. It’s normal for sexual partners to be sensitive when talking about intimacy (especially if it’s your first time communicating like this), so be as kind and positive as possible. Rather than saying, “I wish we had more oral sex,” try a more encouraging phrasing like “I love it when you go down on me—it would turn me on a lot if you did it even more.”
6. 6. Use “I” and “we” statements. If your partner is nervous or uncomfortable talking about sex, they may be extra sensitive to their performance and can interpret certain phrasing as accusatory. If this is the case, frame your comments as “I” statements or “we” statements. For example, say, “I would love it if we tried…” or “Would it be fun if we tried…” rather than “you” statements like, “You should…” or “What if you tried…” to shift the focus and tone.

Open communication about sex is a crucial way to improve trust in a relationship and have better, more collaborative, and more fulfilling sex. Here are some areas to focus your inquiries and examples of questions to ask your partner about sex:

1. 1. Sexual fantasies: A productive sexual conversation should reveal important information about each participant’s sexual desires, kinky interests, and turn-ons. Ask specific but open questions, like: “What do you like to think about when you masturbate?” “Do you like eye contact during sex?” “What’s a sex position you want to try?” “When do you feel the sexiest?” “Is there a type of porn you’d like to watch together?” “What part of your body is your favorite?” “Is there a sex toy you’d like to try?” “What’s the hottest dirty dream you’ve had?” “What’s the dirtiest thing you’ve ever wanted to try?” “Is there a piece of lingerie or certain color underwear that turns you on?”
2. 2. Things you’d like to try: You can also use the conversation to introduce interests and desires of your own. Ask questions like: “I would love to try having shower sex. Would that interest you?” and “Would you like to try BDSM?” If you’re nervous about sharing a secret fantasy, you can frame it as something you recently encountered: "I saw an article the other day about tantric sex.”
3. 3. What’s currently working: A great way to start a sexual conversation is to ask about what is going well. Initiating the talk with a positive, loving energy and conversation starters helps break the ice. Start with questions like: “What do I do in the bedroom that feels the best for you?” “What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had with me?” “What’s the best sex we’ve ever had?” “What’s your favorite sex position?” “What’s your favorite place to have sex?” “What’s your favorite part of my body?” “What’s your favorite thing about our foreplay?” “Do you like it when I touch your clitoris?”
4. 4. Ways to improve: It’s normal for someone to like certain things in the bedroom and not like others—if you don’t ask, you may never know if there’s something your partner wishes you would do or avoid. Ask questions like: “What do you wish I did more of?” “What’s your biggest turnoff?” “Could you show me how you like using your vibrator or sex toy?” “Would you consider masturbating in front of me so I can see how you like to touch yourself?” “ Do you like my dirty talk, or are there things you wish I would say?” “Is there anything I do that doesn’t really work for you?”

Craving a little more intimacy? Grab a MasterClass Annual Membership and learn more about open communication with your partners, experimenting in the bedroom, and being your own best sexual advocate with a little help from Emily Morse (host of the wildly popular podcast Sex With Emily).