Relationship Burnout Causes: How to Recover Your Relationship

The term “relationship burnout” typically refers to two individuals in a romantic relationship gradually developing feelings of exhaustion, depression, and pessimism about their partner or dynamic. Additionally, burnout can affect non-romantic relationships, including friendships, relationships with family members and loved ones, and coworker relationships. It commonly occurs when relationships have passed the honeymoon phase; if left unchecked, it can result in major strain, resentment, and breakup.

Because every close dynamic is different, relationship burnout looks different for everyone. However, here are some of the common features:

1. 1. Assigning blame: The most obvious red flag of relationship burnout is increased bickering and arguing, often when one person points the finger at their partner for something negative. Therapists call this “the blame game”—when couples project their relationship problems onto each other rather than take stock of the dynamic and their own emotional health.
2. 2. Avoidance of the future: When partners avoid thinking about or discussing future plans—whether that’s as simple as a short trip or as important as a career plan—it can signal that they’re feeling exhausted or unmotivated to make long-term commitments.
3. 3. Decreased communication and quality time: One of the first warning signs of burnout is a decrease in quality communication and time spent together. The two partners may stop having conversations, neglect or actively avoid each other (often out of fear of fighting), and reduce physical intimacy.
   
4. 4. Lack of motivation to improve: All relationships take work, and every couple goes through difficult times, putting their dynamic in perspective and revealing areas for improvement. However, a couple in the throes of relationship burnout may feel pressure and anxiety over putting forth the effort to improve the dynamic through avenues like therapy. This can worsen current problems.

Since relationships are unique and varied, relationship burnout can have any number of triggers—though many cases trace back to a few root causes:

1. 1. Complacency: Especially in long-term relationships, partners may experience burnout due to simple complacency. While once exciting, the relationship can start to feel mundane and stale. There may be no underlying issues that the couple needs to work out. Rather, the couple may just need a renewal of the excitement and energy they once felt together.
2. 2. Periods of excessive stress: In many cases, relationship burnout is a direct result of difficult external circumstances like a mental health emergency, a long move, an unhealthy work environment, or sudden unemployment causing a prolonged period of strain on both members of a couple. Excessive conversation or worry about those stressors can lead partners to neglect each other emotionally or lessen their motivation to spend quality time together doing fun things. Reaching this point of emotional exhaustion often makes people feel trapped within their relationship.
3. 3. Mismatched energy: If one member of the relationship feels like they’re putting forth significantly more effort than the other, feelings of neglect and resentment can grow. If this inequitable energy persists for too long, these built-up negative feelings can lead to a lack of motivation to work on the relationship.

There’s no one best way to overcome relationship burnout; every couple is different, with strengths and stressors unique to them. However, here are a few techniques to combat burnout and foster a healthy relationship:

1. 1. Start as a team. One of the key ways to overcome burnout involves renewing the idea of your relationship as a team effort—neither partner is in this alone. By simply having a candid conversation about burnout (whether just one or both of you feel it) and recommitting to each other, you’re already on the path to dispelling feelings of isolation.
2. 2. Lay out your expectations. Burnout is often the result of mismatched energy and expectations. When one member of the relationship isn’t having their needs met (whether those needs are emotional or physical), it’s important to vocalize the problems. This establishes concrete areas for improvement, allowing you to develop a relationship game plan together.
3. 3. Identify possible triggers. Working together, brainstorm triggers for each partner. Identify each person’s unique stressors, insecurities, pain points, and circumstances that lead to neglect, avoidance, or fighting. As you work together to resolve or reduce these stressors, your burnout feelings will likely decrease.
4. 4. Schedule quality time. When you stop having fun with your partner and it starts to feel like work or that there’s little payoff, relationship burnout will fester. To combat this feeling, both partners can prioritize stress-free quality time with each other. Engage in activities you used to enjoy doing together. Regularly make time for a couple’s activity or date night (once a week is a great starting point). If planning this feels stiff or awkward at first, don’t worry. Continuing to honor your time together will make it feel more natural, while sending signals of care to your partner.
5. 5. Respect alone time. Relationship burnout can arise out of an excess of time together, leading to feeling trapped or stifled by the others’ habits and quirks. Talk openly with each other about your needs and what’s best for you, and consider scheduling healthy timeouts for personal self-care and relaxation. This will allow you to reunite feeling refreshed, having honored your own relationship with yourself.
6. 6. Encourage physical intimacy. Reduced physical intimacy between partners is a common symptom of burnout. This fosters anxiety or a lack of motivation to engage in sexual intercourse or even nonsexual touching like hugs and caresses. If you and your partner enjoy physical intimacy, evaluate your current tendencies with touch. If you find yourselves sitting far apart when watching a movie, consider cuddling or holding hands. If you find yourselves avoiding sex, honestly discuss your concerns with your partner, and seek out ways to work toward physical and mental wellness (like couple’s therapy, or a romantic weekend away). You can even add some fun to your intimacy with these sex games for couples.
7. 7. Talk to a professional. Couples experiencing relationship burnout often benefit from speaking to a licensed clinical psychologist or sex and relationships therapist. These professionals can evaluate the unique stressors and partners’ triggers, offer advice, and facilitate healthy communication. They can also help partners identify signs of depression, anxiety, or other mental health struggles contributing to the situation and refer you to a healthcare professional.
8. 8. Be patient. Burnout isn’t something you can overcome overnight. Even those who are working on their relationship may find themselves slipping back into old habits of assigning blame or avoiding communication. Continue to try being open and honest about your feelings, and don’t become discouraged when things don’t immediately improve. Progress will take time and effort.

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