8 Red Flags in a Relationship: Spotting Relationship Red Flags

Red flags in a relationship consist of early warnings your potential partner is pretending to be someone they are not. While nobody is perfect, there are certain key qualities necessary for someone to be a good partner. Red flags indicate they don’t possess these essential character traits.

In the honeymoon phase of a relationship, it’s common to want to ignore these sorts of signals. You might want to believe they’re outliers rather than worthwhile insights into your new partner’s overall character. Still, early red flags indicate increasing levels of emotional abuse might be down the line as you settle into your relationship.

You might be able to spot common red flags from potential partners. Keep this list in mind when gauging whether someone is worthy of your time and affection:

1. 1. Abusive behavior: If you notice any sign whatsoever your new partner is willing to engage in emotional or physical abuse to get what they want, terminate the relationship immediately. There is no context in which an abusive relationship of any variety is acceptable. There are many major red flags to look out for, but this is perhaps the most important one of all because it places you in immediate danger.
2. 2. Clinginess: If your partner shows signs of excessive clinginess, it’s a sign they’re not ready for a relationship. While there might be a fine line between the sort of love bombing that occurs in these scenarios and more healthy displays of affection, the key sign to watch for is whether the other person can maintain their own happiness and contentment as an independent individual. Relying on you as their partner to totally validate their sense of self-esteem is unhealthy for both of you.
3. 3. Controlling behavior: Look out for signs your new partner might think it’s acceptable to control what you do, who you associate with, or how you spend your time. While relationships require some level of sacrifice, there’s an important distinction between spending quality time with your partner and heeding their commands as if they’re a dictator.
4. 4. Disrespecting boundaries: It’s reasonable and essential for your new partner to respect boundaries you set about your personal space as an individual. Anything short of this falls under the umbrella of toxic behavior. Your partner needs to give you time to yourself, as well as respect your personal beliefs, values, and standards.
5. 5. Lack of trust: Possessiveness and jealousy are often symptomatic of mistrust. Trust is a bottom-line foundation for any healthy relationship. Your partner should feel comfortable with you spending time with other friends and family members, just as you should feel comfortable with them doing the same.
6. 6. Manipulative tendencies: There are many different forms of manipulation in relationships and all of them are red flags. Perhaps your partner gives you the silent treatment when you stand your ground on a point of contention. Maybe they try gaslighting you when you confront them about something they did that upset you. Manipulation of any variety is a deal-breaker.
7. 7. Narcissism: Keep an eye out for whether your partner always prioritizes their own needs and wants over yours. If they do, you might be dealing with a narcissist. Even if someone doesn’t have a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder, they can still treat you like you’re unimportant. Stand up for yourself in this scenario and exit the relationship.
8. 8. Substance abuse: Alcoholism and drug abuse are both relationship red flags. Keep in mind: It’s possible someone can suffer from addiction and be a terrific person. Still, if they’re in the throes of a major substance abuse problem, that’s a sign they need to prioritize their own well-being and get help rather than pursue a new relationship. A psychotherapist or addiction specialist is who they need at a time like this, not a new partner.

It can be difficult to know what to do when red flag warnings start cropping up with a potential partner. Here are a few tips to both recognize and address these negative signals:

• Consult trusted people. Seek the counsel of loved ones about whether or not a new partner seems like a good fit. Friends and trusted family members will have your best interests at heart. Reach out to a clinical psychologist or another type of mental health professional for further advice.
• Go with your gut. Your gut feeling is often worth sticking to when it comes to red flags. You’re unlikely to feel a constant pit in your stomach if you’re in a healthy relationship. Especially if you’ve been in toxic past relationships, you will have a fine-tuned sense of red flag behavior from new partners.
• Prioritize stability. Your relationship should be a source of joy for you. If a new partner detracts more than they contribute to your emotional health and wellness, it’s a warning signal you should leave before things get too serious. An unhealthy relationship is far worse than a longer spat of singleness.
• Recognize your rose-colored glasses. The early phases of a relationship are when everything seems to be trending in a perfect direction. Still, remember to pay attention to red flags even when you want to get caught up in the moment. It’s better to break up early than to become too invested in an unhealthy situation.
• Stick to your standards. Prior to starting a new relationship, set standards for what you want in a partner. Red flags are signs of complete unsuitability, yellow flags are annoyances you could do without, and green flags are signs your new significant other is the right one for you. You will inevitably argue at some point, but perhaps the key sign of a relationship’s health is how well you and your partner love and respect each other through difficulties to achieve conflict resolution.

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.