Esther Perel on Professional Boundaries

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert who studies the importance of trust, freedom, security, and eroticism in modern partnerships. Her work—explored in podcasts and bestselling books—helps define modern love in its complexities, aliveness, and romantic relationships. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017). Forbes named her an inaugural member of the 50 Over 50 list, and publications like The New York Times, The Guardian, and The New Yorker have celebrated her unique therapy practice. According to Esther, “It is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives.”

Professional boundaries are the code of workplace ethics coworkers abide by to separate professional development and personal issues. Boundaries at work might include emotional, time, physical, and mental boundaries. In work settings, healthy boundaries allow you to succeed at your job and keep relationships professional while maintaining a healthy personal life with family members, friends, and partners. A power imbalance can often corrupt professional boundaries and impact work performance, mental health, and workplace and personal relationships.

There are several warning signs of boundary violations in the workplace. Inappropriate physical contact, favoritism, and asking questions that cross personal boundaries are all examples of broken codes of conduct. In these cases, you can go to human resources or a trusted colleague and discuss your experience with the boundary crossing so that you can log a record.

Boundary issues can also happen between offices or between providers and customers. Healthcare professionals, for example, are in such dual relationships: If a doctor or carer-patient relationship makes the patient uncomfortable, they may fear seeking care in the future. Still, it is possible and easy to remain professional in the workplace and ensure everyone has a positive experience. Keeping dialogue to work matters, avoiding unwanted physical touch, and openly hearing others’ concerns are simple ways to make working relationships healthy and comfortable.

Consider how you can have a positive relationship with work and set healthy boundaries with Esther’s tips:

1. 1. Accept others’ boundaries. Even within the same office, people may have differing boundaries, so accepting them is essential. “We perceive the rigidity of another person's boundaries on the basis of the fact that ours are looser,” Esther says. “These are relative positions.”
2. 2. Boundaries can refocus. “The shift from ‘I’ to ‘us’ is one of the most important boundary shifts as people become more involved with each other. What is mine, and what is ours?” Esther asks. This can prove dynamic and complex when getting closer to workmates. According to Esther, boundary questions include: “What do I owe to tell you? What can I keep personal and private to myself?”
3. 3. Frame your boundaries as a container. “A boundary is a container so that you know what stays inside, what belongs here, what is kept inside in terms of content, material, feelings, information, secrets, you name it,” Esther says. Decide what goes in your container, and use that as your north star in determining how you act and what you share at work.
4. 4. Times have changed, and your ethos may now be part of your work. Workplaces should recognize how political and global events can affect employees. “I think we’ve always brought our whole self to work; it’s just that we do it unconsciously,” Esther says. “If there is a shooting and it affects me, I expect that that effect may be part of how I behave in the workplace and that there will be certain dispositions made for me to be able to leave early, not to come tomorrow, to have a moment of silence. I bring my reality with me to work. It’s also my political reality . . . not just my personal reality. And that is a real shift in boundaries that a certain generation before would’ve said, ‘That does not have its place on the work floor.’ Today, it does.”
5. 5. Watch how higher-ups handle boundaries. How superiors respect or disrespect boundaries will tell you a lot about the limitations of a work environment. Companies also need to define roles clearly to set boundaries. Esther says, “Are the responsibilities taken by those who should be taking those responsibilities, or are they distributed unfairly?”

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