Manipulation: John Douglas on How to Deal With Manipulators

Manipulation is any type of behavior Person A engages in with the intent of coercing Person B to do what they want them to do against their own will. This might take the form of breaking down Person B’s self-esteem, outright lying to them, or insinuating they must not really care for Person A’s well-being unless they do whatever they ask. Some manipulators might have a legitimate mental health issue (e.g., borderline personality disorder), while others might act out of pure self-interest or malevolence.

There are many different forms of manipulation, and you can better defend yourself if you’re cognizant of them. Here are several types to consider:

• Gaslighting: This mind game is a particular hallmark of abusive relationships. It takes its name from an old film in which a man attempts to poison his wife by leaving the gas on in their house, all while stressing her legitimate suspicion of him doing so is baseless. When someone makes you doubt your own sanity or moral compass to justify their own behavior, they’re engaging in gaslighting.
• Hyperbole: A manipulative person might speak in very bold terms about their emotions and how you’re responsible for their state of well-being. For instance, they might insist your attempt to set appropriate boundaries with them proves you must not love them. This sort of hyperbolic behavior can sometimes indicate an underlying narcissistic personality disorder as well.
• Lying: Deception of one sort or another lies at the root of many examples of manipulation. A person can lie by commission (i.e., make an active attempt to deceive you) or omission (i.e., leave certain aspects of the truth out of what they tell you). Lying helps a manipulator build a case for themselves and against you and your own values and interests.
• Minimization: There’s often a double standard for manipulators—they maximize their own feelings and minimize yours. They might also engage in rationalization about why their own problematic behaviors are justifiable, while your own weaknesses are unforgivable. These forms of emotional abuse are intolerable and unjust in any type of relationship.
• Passive aggression: Rather than lash out in visceral anger, many conniving people use passive aggression as a manipulation tactic. For instance, they might talk in a disparaging way about another person’s relationship while hinting it has similarities to your own, rather than address their concerns about your relationship in a direct way. Sometimes, they might do so to instigate a fight—other times, they might just want some form of validation.

Emotional manipulation manifests in a wide array of ways. These are just a few signs to look out for in your own life:

1. 1. Attempting to isolate: Manipulators will do their best to isolate you from trusted friends and loved ones. They know they’ll have an easier time pushing you around if you have no surrounding support system.
2. 2. Exploiting your insecurities: In manipulative relationships, one or both partners might attempt to make cruel use of a person’s vulnerabilities. By exploiting these insecurities, they aim to gain a firmer sense of power and control over the other person.
3. 3. Making you feel guilty: Manipulative people rely on shaming everyone around them to get others to do what they want. They hope these guilt trips will make their targets feel bad for them and give into their demands as a result.
4. 4. Seeking to punish: Utilizing emotional blackmail is common among manipulators. This might exhibit itself through extreme acts of anger or as something more passive aggressive like the silent treatment. In any case, the goal is to make the other person feel worthless, guilty, and horrible about themselves.

There are many different tactics of manipulation, but there are just as many tools with which you can fight them. Learn how famed criminal profiler John Douglas—who has studied the behavior of some of the most notorious criminals in the United States—suggests you deal with manipulators:

• Analyze motivations. Figure out what forms the foundation of a person’s manipulation. “Ask questions,” John suggests. “Analyze what the person is saying. Analyze their motivations. Ask why. Remember: why plus how equals who.” Still, refrain from making excuses for the person. This exercise is more about figuring out the sort of person you’re dealing with to defend yourself.
• Avoid manipulation whenever possible. John remembers a time where he attempted to help a woman caller on his radio show realize she stood to gain nothing from a manipulative relationship. “He will convince you it's your fault, and anything that goes wrong is your fault, your fault, your fault,” he says. “And then guess what happens? Once he has everything he needs, he's gonna drop you like a hot potato. He's gone.” In John’s view, the best way to deal with deception like this is to cut ties with manipulators as soon as you can.
• Develop personal confidence. In his time interviewing convicted killer Charles Manson, John realized Manson had a talent for exploiting vulnerabilities and insecurities. “He took advantage of these kids who were homeless or running away,” he relates, “and what he decided to do was to become the father, become the leader, you know, of these people.” As you become more sure of yourself as an individual, you also become more immune to manipulative behavior.
• Set boundaries. John heard firsthand about how expert manipulators like Manson isolated their targets. “He didn't want them to connect with anyone else outside the family,” John says. “No books. No outside information. No news. Manson used his influence to control their behavior, even changing their names to dissolve their identities.” As long as you maintain your personal boundaries and independence, you’ll have a better shot at withstanding manipulation.

Getting to the core of human behavior takes knowledge and skills—just ask former FBI criminal profiler John Douglas. Learn how to spot a liar and uncover John’s tips for identifying other deceptive behaviors when you sign up for the MasterClass Annual Membership.