Jealousy Defined: How to Deal With Jealousy in Relationships

Jealousy is a negative emotion in which a person feels anger and resentment about something another person has. For instance, you might feel emotional jealousy when your best friend at work gets a promotion you thought you deserved. Romantic jealousy might arise from seeing your partner enjoy the company of another person. You might have experienced sibling rivalry as a child, competing with your brothers or sisters out of jealousy for the affection of your parents.

Feelings of jealousy arise from feelings of insecurity. Low self-esteem and a lack of contentment with your own life and relationships make it very easy to become jealous of others who seem to have it all. While different types of jealousy might manifest in unique ways, they all grow from these basic feelings of inadequacy.

Sometimes clinical conditions like anxiety, borderline personality disorder, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), or even schizophrenia deserve attribution for a person’s jealousy. Mental health issues like these can distort how you think in a negative way, exacerbating jealous tendencies into a unique pathology of their own right (morbid jealousy).

Pathological jealousy can disrupt or even destroy close relationships you have with loved ones. For that matter, obsessional negative thoughts will jeopardize your own happiness, self-worth, and sense of well-being. Building trust and practicing compassion toward yourself and others, alongside psychotherapy, can help you put your jealous behavior to a rest.

Jealousy is a complex emotion, and it exhibits itself in various ways. These are just three key signs to keep in mind:

1. 1. Distrust: Suppose you’re in a monogamous relationship with your significant other. Every time you see them interact with someone they might feel attracted to, you lash out at them for committing an act of sexual or emotional infidelity. This jealous behavior proceeds from a complete lack of trust in their love and respect for you.
2. 2. Insecurity: Jealousy comes from seeing a real or perceived threat to your valued relationships. This might exhibit itself in an extreme sense of dependency on another person. To overcome jealousy, examine and conquer insecurities like these.
3. 3. Irritability: Jealous thoughts often correlate to a notable rise in irritability. This type of reactive jealousy makes it more likely you’ll lash out at a close friend, coworker, or loved one of whom you’re jealous.

People often treat jealousy and envy as synonyms, but there are important individual differences between these two mainstays of human behavior. While both jealousy and envy revolve around coveting something one doesn’t have, jealousy focuses more on the anger or resentment of this feeling. Envy, by contrast, is the feeling itself.

For example, suppose a family member dies and leaves your sibling a much larger sum of money than they did to you. If you’re primarily an envious person, you’d spend most of your time wishing you had the money. If you’re primarily a jealous person, you’d fixate and obsess over how unfair it was your sibling got the money instead of you.

You will likely experience jealousy at some point in your life—the important thing is how you handle it. Keep these tips in mind as you strive to overcome the “green-eyed monster” in a healthy way:

• Analyze underlying issues. Evaluate your basic attachment style to determine whether you’re getting what you need out of your relationships. Jealous feelings arise from deep-rooted fears. For example, you might have an unexamined fear of abandonment leading you to lash out at your friends and romantic partners for spending time with other people. If you analyze where this fear comes from, you’ll have a better chance of moving past it.
• Build trust. Suspicious jealousy arises when people are in the dark about another person’s intentions or behavior. If it’s appropriate, express to your friends, family members, and romantic partners you want to improve your ability to trust them. Overcoming jealousy requires growing past your own insecurities and letting other people prove you can rely on and trust them.
• Heal from past wounds. Real and lasting pain is often at the root of jealous individuals’ negative behavior and emotions. Suppose someone watched their longtime romantic partner commit sexual infidelity with another close friend. They might develop a sense of sexual jealousy in future relationships even if their new partner has no intention of cheating. Taking the time to heal from past wounds like these will help you work toward healthier relationships.
• Prioritize open communication. Social psychology indicates people are more likely to become jealous when they refrain from communicating. In your friendships and romantic relationships, keep lines of communication open. Be honest with yourself and with each other. Openness builds trust, and trust stops jealousy in its tracks.
• Seek mental health care. Speak with a mental health professional to examine why you experience jealousy in the way you do. Both cognitive behavioral therapy and medical intervention through psychiatry can help you overcome your jealous feelings.

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.