Interdependency: Esther Perel on Embracing Interdependency

The definition of interdependency is “mutual dependence.” In an interdependent relationship, partners recognize that although a relationship can help meet physical and emotional needs, their sense of self-worth is not wholly dependent on the relationship. Interdependent couples turn to one another for intimacy and vulnerability while maintaining a secure sense of self and independence.

Below check out a closer look at some of the differing characteristics between interdependent and codependent relationships:

As Esther says, "Every relationship is defined by its boundaries. Every human being is defined by [their] boundaries: What is me, and what is not me? What is inside of me, and what is outside of me?"

At its core, an interdependent relationship is about mutuality—showing equal concern for each other’s well-being. Here are some of the characteristics of an interdependent relationship:

1. 1. Healthy boundaries: A boundary is any limit or mutual agreement for how to navigate the psychological, physical, emotional, and sexual parts of a relationship. “Sometimes there is this misconception that if people have boundaries, it prevents them from connecting,” Esther says. “But actually, it is because there are boundaries between people that there is a sense of how the connection actually gets made as these people come closer to each other.”
2. 2. Clear communication: The success of every close relationship hinges on communication. “Communicating is relating,” Esther says. “When we relate, we constantly are in a back-and-forth between ruptures and repairs.” Esther compares developing communication skills to learning a musical instrument: “When you learn to play an instrument, you often will play a wrong note. You’re miscommunicating. Then you learn to listen to it again. Then you learn to repeat it differently. You’re attuning your ear. You’re internalizing the sound. And you’re able to sing it or play it accurately.”
3. 3. Personal responsibility: In an interdependent relationship, each partner takes responsibility for their own actions. They apologize for their mistakes and don’t blame each other when things don’t go to plan.
4. 4. Mutual trust: Interdependent couples trust one another to be faithful to the boundaries they’ve established together. They support each other’s personal interests and goals and enjoy time alone or with their own friends. Learn more about building trust with Esther Perel.

“Often, when we have experienced violations of trust, the past is right there . . . It’s not just what you’re doing [today] . . . It’s also how I have experienced trust and violations of trust throughout my whole life that will determine how I react to you now.

When you drop a plate, and it has a big crack in the middle . . . sometimes, you can glue it, and it will stick together. You will always see the crack. But you can use the plate for a whole lifetime. And sometimes, it’s in splinters, and there is no way to put it back together.

And then there is also the Japanese art of kintsugi, where you take broken plates with all the small pieces and you put it back together, but not to restore the old one, but to create a new one. And it becomes a piece of art in and of itself.” — Esther Perel

Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel encourages couples to embrace interdependency. “A good team,” Esther says, “or a good relationship, has good complementarity of roles.” She explains that in every healthy relationship, partners offer to fill in the other’s missing pieces, without sacrificing their values or sense of self-worth.

Esther equates a romantic relationship to a play, in which scene partners help each other by playing their specific roles. In other words, they fill in the missing parts. “If you didn't have other people,” she says, “who play the other parts, you would have to incorporate all the parts yourself, and that's a lot to carry.”

If you suspect you’re in an unhealthy relationship dynamic or are looking to prevent one in the future, consider the following tips for developing an interdependent relationship:

1. 1. Define your personal boundaries. “I think the best image for a boundary in relationship is our skin,” Esther Perel says. “If our skin didn’t have pores and couldn’t breathe and take things in from the outside, it would dry off and die. If our skin is opened, it has wounds all the time, then it cannot function either because it gets hurt. So it needs small holes that allow the external environment to feed it. And at the same time, it is tight enough that it can protect everything that is inside.”
2. 2. Prioritize your mental health. Although interdependent couples turn to one another for emotional support, they also maintain independent routines and networks. For example, a therapist can provide a safe space for working out trauma and spare your partner from shouldering that responsibility.
3. 3. Work on your communication skills. Even the healthiest couples must constantly work on improving their communication skills. For starters, practice active listening, develop an awareness of your body language, and be careful not to interrupt others while they’re talking. Remember that communication is like learning an instrument: stay curious, observe your partner’s reactions, and adjust your technique as needed.
4. 4. Pursue personal growth. Life doesn’t begin and end with finding a romantic partner. Make a list of your personal goals and ask your partner to help hold you accountable. This will help you establish boundaries and set clear expectations for your partner.

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.