How to Talk About Sex With Your Partner

Open and honest communication is the foundation for a healthy relationship and a better sex life. To break down communication barriers and overcome anxiety about the topic of sex, try the following tips.

1. 1. Make sure the context is right. Don't bring up a new kink you want to try in the heat of the moment, right after sex when your partner’s running out the door for work, or right before hosting a stressful dinner party. Make sure it's the right time and that you're both feeling good. Initiate the sex talk in a neutral place, like the kitchen table. Chatting during a walk or long car ride can eliminate the pressure of eye contact. Keep your tone open, curious, and nonjudgmental. You’re proposing a change for the benefit of your shared pleasure, not criticizing or complaining.
2. 2. Use a compliment sandwich. When you want your partner to change how they have sex, frame a suggestion around positive aspects of your shared sex life. Say something like: “I love making out with you. The way you kiss my neck is a huge turn-on. If we could spend a little more time on foreplay, I know I'd be even more aroused when we start to have sex.”
3. 3. Demonstrate what you like. Sharing your dislikes can make your partner feel inadequate if you aren't careful. A positive and fun approach to explaining your sexual desires is to suggest playing a game. For example, if you don't like how your partner kisses, show them your ideal kiss and ask if they can show you theirs as well. Then try all different kinds of kissing until you figure out what you both like.
4. 4. Pitch your sexual fantasies. If you want to try out a new kink, fetish, or sex toy, practice an elevator pitch in which you tell your partner about your fantasy. Keep it brief, only a few sentences. Say something like: “I want to tell you something. I think it would be really hot if you'd tie me up during sex. I've had this fantasy forever and I've been fantasizing a lot about you tying me up—what do you think about that?” Afterwards, let your partner know that you’re open to ideas for new sexual experiences that they'd like to try as well.
5. 5. Schedule time for intimacy. Most couples will experience a discrepancy in sex drive at some point. Everyone's libidos ebb and flow. This can happen on a daily basis and includes factors like stress or general fatigue. Talk to your partner and consider scheduling time for intimacy—and be clear that intimacy doesn't necessarily have to mean sex. Say something like: "I really miss being intimate with you. Let's get a babysitter for the kids on Saturday and spend some time with just us. I'd love to give you a massage and cuddle. We don't have to go further if you don't feel up to it."
6. 6. Make a "Yes/No/Maybe list." Interested in adding a few new activities to your sex life? Try making a Yes/No/Maybe list. It’s exactly what it sounds like: a list of sexual activities that you can mark Yes (I definitely want to do this), No (I definitely do not want to do this), or Maybe (I’m not sure if I’d enjoy this, but I’m open to talking more about it and maybe trying it). When filling out the list with your partner, you should each fill it out separately and then compare to see where your desires overlap. You can find templates for Yes/No/Maybe lists online, or you can make your own from scratch. Here's a small sample of items to consider adding to your list: mutual masturbation, nipple play, oral sex, anal sex, role-playing, dirty talk, dressing up, spanking, sex toy play, and threesomes.
7. 7. Take a matter-of-fact approach to disclosing STIs. Being open about any sexually transmitted infections (STIs) that you've contracted is an essential aspect of sexual health and wellness. First, understand that STIs are incredibly common. You need to disclose yours to a new partner before having sex with them, but there’s no reason to be ashamed. So don't apologize, and take a matter-of-fact approach. Share what your partner needs to know about your condition and how you're managing it. Say something like, “Hey, I really like you, and before we get physical I need to let you know that I have herpes. I was diagnosed three years ago and I take an antiviral daily to prevent an outbreak and reduce the risk of transmission. I also use condoms. What do you think?"
   

If you try out these tips and are still struggling to communicate with your partner, consider going to sex therapy as a couple. A sex therapist is trained to create a safe space for you and your partner to openly express your feelings, moving you both closer towards a great sex life.

Craving a little more intimacy? Grab a MasterClass Annual Membership and learn more about open communication with your partners, experimenting in the bedroom, and being your own best sexual advocate with a little help from Emily Morse (host of the wildly popular podcast Sex With Emily).