How to Stop Overthinking in a Relationship: 4 Tips

Overthinking in a relationship is when one partner has negative thoughts that begin to spiral out of control. Common thought patterns that can be red flags include ruminating on areas of your life that are out of your control; overanalyzing little things for a hidden meaning; leaping to worst-case scenarios; or obsessing about the past, future, or hypothetical situations.

While it’s normal to have occasional anxious thoughts—especially in a new relationship—a regular habit of overthinking can be a serious obstacle in a healthy relationship. Overthinking happens most often in romantic relationships with significant others, but it can also occur in relationships with friends, family members, and other loved ones.

Overthinking can be a result of:

1. 1. A root fear: Overthinking stems from a particular insecurity or root fear. This insecurity may be from childhood, a past relationship, or general low self-esteem or trust issues.
2. 2. Excess time or energy: When you have a lot of free time or energy, you may find yourself overthinking or mulling over relationship advice to pass the time.
3. 3. Lack of trust: If your relationship lacks a foundation of trust, you may feel unable to believe what your partner tells you, causing you to overthink their actions and responses.
4. 4. Lack of communication: In relationships where each partner fails to be open or forthcoming about their feelings or activities, you may begin to overthink to fill in the gaps in your communication.

If you find yourself overthinking in your current relationship, here are a few steps you can take:

1. 1. Try to identify the cause. To tackle overthinking, you need to figure out why it’s happening and treat the core problem rather than the symptom. Overthinking often comes from a particular anxiety (or “root fear”) about yourself or your partners. When you catch yourself overthinking, take a deep breath and try to figure out what’s going on. Think about the situations where you find yourself overthinking, and investigate what you are afraid of and why.
2. 2. Discuss the issue with your partner. Tackling a root fear is complex, and you’ll want to collaborate on the problem with your partner or partners. Sit down with them to have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and why you feel that way. Effective communication is key to helping you avoid overthinking in a relationship.
3. 3. Make a game plan to tackle the problem. Together with your partner, identify a course of action you can take to help tackle your root fears. There are several ways you and your partner may choose to tackle your root fears; examples include regular communication to build trust, daily affirmations, a new hobby or self-care routine, daily journaling, couples counseling with a relationship expert or dating coach, or sessions with a clinical psychologist or mental health expert for an outside perspective.
4. 4. Plan for moments of overthinking. While you enact a long-term plan to help assuage your root fears, temporary bouts of overthinking may still happen. Rather than resign yourself to them, make a concrete plan to figure out what to do when you catch yourself overthinking. Establish an activity like a neighborhood walk, workout regimen, or hobby that can help you calm down and direct your attention back to the present moment. Making a plan for handling overthinking will help you feel less helpless in the moment and more empowered to make a change.

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