Esther Perel on How to Resolve Conflict

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert who studies the importance of trust, freedom, security, and eroticism in modern partnerships. She is the author of two books, including Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006), and the host of two podcasts, including Where Should We Begin? In 2021, Forbes named her an inaugural member of its 50 Over 50 list.

Conflict is a physical, mental, or verbal clash between two or more opposing parties. There are various catalysts to conflict, but oral arguments typically stem from miscommunication or a refusal to compromise. Any healthy relationship will experience moments of discord, but there are techniques you can use to set your own emotions aside and develop a mutually beneficial outcome for all parties.

Use these simple techniques to resolve conflict in the workplace, classroom, or home:

1. 1. Brainstorm win-win outcomes. A couple's therapist or a human resources professional is likely to experience diverse conflicts in their work duties. Mediating a brainstorming session is an effective technique that enables participants to arrive at the best solution.
2. 2. Develop your emotional intelligence. Body language, facial expressions, and vocal tone all play important roles in how others receive a message. Placing a focus on developing your emotional intelligence will help you and the other person communicate more effectively and reduce misunderstandings that might otherwise lead to counterproductive disputes.
3. 3. Establish ground rules for discussions. The two of you should decide on rules for a productive discussion—for example, that you will take turns talking. If necessary, a mediator can persuade both parties to agree on rules for a discussion or debate. This agreement establishes common ground for the discussion and reduces the risk of imbalanced arguments in which people try to talk over each other.
4. 4. Identify the root cause. An argument's path can veer drastically off course when emotions flare. Staying on topic is vital to motivating both people toward a productive conclusion that strikes at the fundamental core of the argument.
5. 5. Respect dissenting viewpoints. Keep an open mind and refrain from judging the other person's point of view. A lifetime of personal experiences and philosophies shape and solidify personal worldviews. Validate the other participant's feelings and ideas even if you disagree with their argument. They will be more likely to open up and share supporting details of their views if you do not judge or attack them in a defensive posture.

You can implement numerous conflict resolution skills and techniques at different stages of the resolution process. Learn how to resolve conflict with psychotherapist Esther Perel's resolution tips:

1. 1. Embrace conflict complexity. As Esther says, "Conflict is an overall situational ecology that we have either learned to live with and plunge into or … avoid like the plague because it felt so dangerous and so threatening." While some conflicts might resolve on their own, others can become worse if you avoid them or put off a resolution. Develop a broad range of conflict management skills and creative problem-solving strategies to address complex miscommunications so you feel equipped to handle any scenario.
2. 2. Define the conflict structure. To navigate a conflict, Esther advises asking yourself questions of trust ("Who has my back?"); closeness ("Do you value me?"); and relevance ("Who has the power?"). These internal questions can help you identify three common hidden agendas within any conflict, including power and priorities, care and closeness, and respect and recognition.
3. 3. Determine the conflict dynamic. Esther describes the dynamics of conflicts as, "It's two fighters, two distancers, or one fighter and one fleer. Watch your relationships and see which is your prime choreography in the management or the experience of conflict." In understanding these power dynamics and identifying past reactive patterns, you can develop a playbook for similar situations in the future.
4. 4. Find common ground. Focusing more on similarities than differences can help both parties meet halfway at the negotiating table. Each participant must maintain an open mind and refrain from trying to change the other party's fundamental stance to avoid conflict stalemates. As Esther puts it: "The more you're gonna try to make them change their mind, the more you are actually contributing to reinforcing the very position that you're trying to undo."
5. 5. Identify the hurt underneath. A hostile marriage or toxic work environment can negatively impact a person’s mental health and cause them to develop deep-seated resentments. Esther says, "Conflict is directly connected to our experience of anger. Frustration. Disappointment. Hurt. Conflict is the expression of all these feelings, often when they are not handled well." Be honest with yourself about the underlying emotions you are experiencing.
6. 6. Reflect on your desired outcome. Esther says, "It's most important if you can discern … where the corrective would really make a big difference for you." Before you attempt to resolve any conflict, determine what a productive outcome might look like to you. Additionally, by reflecting on past conflict situations, you can mentally highlight missteps or moments in which you did not handle conflict as well as you could have. Note moments when you might have utilized practical communication skills to resolve disputes more efficiently. All of this reflection will serve you well as you negotiate present and future misunderstandings.

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.