How to Negotiate With a Narcissist: 4 Tips

A narcissist is an entitled and sometimes arrogant and manipulative person who primarily views other people as means to their own ends. Some narcissists might come across as unpleasant, but others are charismatic and engaging until you cross them. A covert narcissist like this might shift from acting like a charming adult to throwing a temper tantrum when they realize you won’t give in to their demands.

You might find you encounter more narcissists in fields centered around competition or winning. For example, a well-meaning entrepreneur might come across a competitor or colleague with an extremely inflated sense of self—and this might present speed bumps for both parties. Similarly, family law and divorce lawyers come across many people exhibiting narcissistic traits in their personal lives and must negotiate with that in mind.

As a caveat, although you might be able to accurately theorize as to whether or not someone possesses narcissistic tendencies, you should leave diagnosing someone with an actual narcissistic personality disorder to a professional.

You can spot narcissistic traits if you know what to look for specifically. Keep these qualities in mind to identify narcissism in people around you:

1. 1. Innate sense of entitlement: Everyone wants things to go their way if possible, but narcissists expect them to at all times and at all costs. The average person is willing to compromise and anticipates delayed rather than instant gratification in many scenarios. A narcissist, by contrast, expects everyone to be a willing contributor to their happiness all day, every day, no matter the extenuating circumstances. Psychologists call this endless drive for gratification at the expense of others “narcissistic supply.”
2. 2. Inflated view of self: It’s one thing to be confident, it’s quite another to think you’re the most important person in the room at all times. Someone with narcissistic tendencies expects everyone to treat them like a king or queen. They often fall into delusions of grandeur and bouts of self-mythologizing to justify why people need to bow to their whims at all times.
3. 3. Lack of empathy: Narcissistic abuse is common due to the lack of empathy such an attitude engenders. When someone considers their needs above anyone else’s, it makes them less likely to understand other people and more likely to hurt others to get what they want.
4. 4. Prone toward manipulation: If you’re dealing with a narcissist, expect them to pull out manipulative tricks to get you to do what they want. This might mean gaslighting, belittling, or outright lying to you in the interest of throwing you off balance and getting you to succumb to their demands.

Navigating the negotiation process with a narcissist might be difficult, but it’s definitely doable. Remember these tips as you advocate for yourself with someone who cares more about their own ego:

1. 1. Iron out concrete details. Before entering a negotiation scenario with a narcissist, sit down and ask what you want out of the negotiations. Try journaling or filling out a worksheet to help you figure out your needs. You can also rely on third parties to help you do this more effectively. For example, if you’re trying to leave a narcissistic spouse, your divorce attorney can assist on this front.
2. 2. Play to their narcissistic tendencies. To get what you want from a narcissist, sometimes you have to give them what they desire most: adoration. Of course, you can merely feign this sense of awe—stroking their ego with the knowledge you’re only doing so as a negotiation tactic. For example, suppose you’re in law school dealing with a narcissistic professor who has a track record of grading final exams unfairly unless a student praises their teaching. In this scenario, you could tell them you appreciated their lecture or you listened to their podcast as you leave class one day to get them on your side.
3. 3. Practice emotional detachment. Negotiating with a narcissist can get ugly. Devaluing and abusing other people is one of the central tools in a narcissist’s arsenal. Especially if you’re in an emotional situation already—like a divorce case—it’s paramount to try to practice as much mindful detachment as you can. Remind yourself their words do not define you or reflect reality. For that matter, in this scenario, you can also rely in part on other parties to do your negotiating for you—that’s a major reason people pay attorney’s fees in the first place.
4. 4. Stand your ground. Even if you grit your teeth and stroke a narcissist’s ego to get a concession at times, it’s important to stand your ground and maintain your sense of self. Always negotiate like you matter—because you do, regardless of any abuse they might hurl your way. Narcissists, at their root, are often very insecure—and your self-awareness and confidence can trump these insecurities in a negotiation scenario. Remind yourself you are strong and your own well-being is your first priority—this way, you can leave interactions like this knowing your pride and your feelings of self-worth are still intact.

Learn more about negotiation strategies and communication skills from Career FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss. Perfect tactical empathy, develop intentional body language, and get better results every day with the MasterClass Annual Membership.