Esther Perel on How to Have Difficult Conversations

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist, author, and relationship expert. Esther’s bestselling titles include Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, available in twenty-five languages, and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther has a therapy practice in New York City and hosts two podcasts, Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work?

Tough conversations are challenging because they force people to be vulnerable. According to Esther Perel, people often avoid these conversations, even though they can improve your communication skills. Esther says it’s “because what we dread is the feeling that these conversations will drudge up, particularly hurt or pain, and anger.” Here are some of her tips on how to have difficult conversations at work or other areas in your life:

• Acknowledge the challenge. Tell the other person how difficult it is for you to have this conversation with them. Be honest, Esther advises, and say, “I wish I wouldn't have to have this conversation, but out of respect for you, I'm going to try to do it in the best way possible. I know this is painful for you, and this is painful for me, too.” Acknowledge the other person’s perspective by saying you understand how they might be feeling. Esther adds, “Let the person know that you're not insensitive to what may be happening to them.”
• Check in with yourself. Before having the conversation about a complex topic, check in with yourself and see what you’re feeling. You may feel anxiety or stress. To better control your emotions, plan for what you’re going to say and be aware of how the other person might react. Esther advices that you ask yourself, “​​Why do I want to say this to you? What do I hope will happen when I say this to you? How do I wish you to respond to me when I say this to you? And what would happen if I did not say this to you?”
• Deliver good news first. It is helpful to begin the conversation with positives when delivering bad news. Avoid opening with negative feedback or criticism. Instead, compliment the person or the relationship. “Saying the positive things first isn’t just to be nice, but it creates a context that enables you and the other person to listen more openly to what comes next,” Esther says.
• Let go of control. You may try to soften the blow by finding common ground or letting the other person know how difficult the conversation is for you to have. However, the other person may still react negatively or defensively. To have productive conversations, avoid trying to control their reactions “That is part of their sovereignty to react the way they do,” Esther adds. “You can influence it, you can shape it. You can't control it.”
• Pause the conversation. Assure the other person that the difficult conversation can take place at a later time if needed. Take a time-out and return later or offer to have a follow-up conversation. That way, the other person won’t freeze or panic and regret not saying things they should have said. “Difficult conversations are often not a one-time conversation,” Esther says. If the challenging conversation involves a work conflict, offer to invite a human resources representative to a further meeting.

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