How to Calm Someone Down: 7 Tips for Calming a Person

People become upset (angry, sad, or anxious) for various reasons. Some event or stimuli—whether in the outside world or in their own mind—triggers the fight-or-flight response in their nervous system. This response overrides rational thought and normal emotional regulation, and it manifests itself in feelings of fear, outrage, despair, or some combination of the three.

Whatever the external cause, people become upset internally for similar reasons, such as fear or disappointment. For example, someone who has agoraphobia will become terrified at the idea of leaving their house. Or you might trigger someone with anger issues by undercutting their self-esteem. Yet another person with generalized anxiety disorder might fall into a panic attack at the chance of entering a feared situation.

It’s possible to calm down a person experiencing negative feelings. You can try to help a person calm down as long as their angry or anxious feelings don’t transition into aggressive behavior toward you. It’s best to leave them alone if they’re prone to angry outbursts, but if they can still interact in a constructive and positive way, you can provide them a lifeline in their time of need. Approach their situation with empathy and practice good listening skills to hear their concerns and offer encouragement or support.

Some tactics to calm people down work better than others. Here are seven you can deploy when necessary:

1. 1. Breathe deeply with them. In the midst of an anxiety attack, it can help to take a deep breath. If the other person agrees, practice some deep breathing with them. In addition, you can grab them a glass of water if their throat feels dry. Lead them through a progressive muscle relaxation technique routine—clenching and releasing each part of their body to deal with tension.
2. 2. Focus on listening. Rather than rattle off the type of anxiety and anger management techniques that work best for you, just give the upset person space to talk. Let them vent their feelings of anger or vocalize their phobias and fears rather than give them advice. When you do speak, use a calm voice. If the person starts to blame you for their state, it’s probably time to remove yourself from the situation.
3. 3. Moderate your own emotional state. An upset person’s anger and anxiety can be contagious, so you need to be on guard to keep your own feelings in check (for your sake and theirs). If you experience panic attacks yourself, be honest with the person if you think you’re having a hard time maintaining healthy emotions. It’s okay to say you need to take a breather. Balance out your own well-being so you can better help others balance out theirs.
4. 4. Offer support. Try offering validation rather than giving the upset person stress management advice or telling them they have overreacted. Ask open-ended questions about how they feel and what they need from you.
5. 5. Recognize your place. People go through cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and other effective treatment regimens for months or years before feeling like they can truly control anger and anxiety issues in the long term. Even then, it’s always a constant work in progress. You’re only there to help someone cool off in the short term. A trained mental health professional is better suited to treating long-term conditions.
6. 6. Remove yourself if necessary. Whether you are trying to help an acquaintance, coworker, friend, or family member, you should only stick around to calm them down if they engage you in a healthy way. If the person starts gaslighting or being cruel to you, tell them the behavior isn’t acceptable under any circumstances and step away from the situation.
7. 7. Touch them only if they feel comfortable. In times of intense fear and pain, a simple arm around the shoulder can go a long way. As long as the person feels comfortable, use your human touch to let them know you’re there for them. Amid mental health problems, people can feel very alone. A hug can help those feelings dissipate.

Many physical symptoms of a panic attack or angry outburst are the same as those for more life-threatening medical conditions, including heart attacks. Raised blood pressure, shortness of breath, chest pain, difficulty breathing, a raised heart rate, heart palpitations, and lightheadedness are often symptoms of anxiety. But they can all also be warning signs of something more serious. If a person exhibits any of these symptoms for a sustained period of time, they should seek medical advice and care from a trained professional to diagnose whether this is a physical or purely mental health condition.

As for seeking mental health treatment on its own, this should be a decision left to the upset person rather than to you (unless the person is threatening to harm themselves, you, or other people—in which case you can step in of your own accord). People can attend support groups, meet with a therapist regularly, or consult a psychiatrist to consider long-term pharmaceutical treatment options.

Practicing empathy can help you lead more effectively while building stronger relationships across the personal and professional facets of your life. Challenge your perceptions with the MasterClass Annual Membership and take lessons on emotional intelligence from Pharrell Williams, Roxane Gay, Gloria Steinem, Dr. Cornel West, Walter Mosley, Robert Reffkin, and Robin Arzón.