How to Bottom: 6 Tips for Being a Better Bottom

In human sexuality, the term bottom refers to a person who is penetrated during sexual intercourse, especially during anal sex. The term is most often used within the LGBTQ+ community to describe intercourse between gay men though anyone of any sexual orientation or gender identity can assume the role of a bottom or top.

The term bottom is used in various other sexual contexts. Bottom and top sometimes refer to particular mindsets that people adopt during a sexual encounter or in a relationship, with the bottom being more passive and the top being more assertive or aggressive. In dominance and submission (D/s), bottom and top can be synonyms for sub (submissive) and dom (dominant). Bottom and top can sometimes also refer to the particular position during intercourse, whether beneath or above the other.

Bottoming has several sexual contexts but is most commonly used to describe the receiving role in sex between gay men.

1. 1. Begin with foreplay. Your body must be adequately aroused to experience pleasurable penetration (whether vaginal or anal). Arousal increases blood flow to your groin and helps relax pelvic floor muscles. Take time stimulating each other’s bodies, whether through kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, or watching pornography.
2. 2. Start slow. Starting gradually with penetration can help your muscles stretch and relax, reducing the chance for tearing, discomfort, or pain. You can start with a single finger or a small butt plug or another toy—plus plenty of lube—to help open up your vaginal or anal canal. If you notice your body tensing, try to consciously relax your muscles, which will help relax your opening. Take your time with gentle penetration, and only move on to larger objects (like full-sized dildos) when you’re feeling comfortable and ready.
3. 3. Go as far as you’re comfortable. Penetration can offer significant pleasure during sexual intercourse, but if you’re feeling stressed, pressured, nervous, or distracted, it can cause discomfort or even pain. Encourage open communication with your partner—if one of you isn’t feeling ready for further penetration, feel free to take a break.

Whether it’s your first time or your hundredth, here are some helpful tips for bottoming:

1. 1. Practice. Being penetrated—especially anally—may not feel intensely pleasurable your first time (or first few times) since your body isn’t used to the new sensations, and your vaginal opening or sphincter may clench up. Finding pleasure in bottoming often takes time, which is why it’s a good idea to practice bottoming on your own first, where you’re free to explore the sensations of penetration without feeling any pressure to orgasm. Try different types of stimulation—for instance, a vibrator, your fingers, a small plug, a set of dilators, or other anal sex toys—to see what you like, and practice mindful breathing to help your body relax. Exploration, dilation, and practice can help you find what feels the best for you for pain-free penetration.
2. 2. Preparation is key. Being on the receiving end of penetration can require advance preparation. Before you begin, ensure you have your method of choice for safe sex (whether that’s condoms, medication, or another prophylactic). If you’re planning to engage in anal penetration, hygiene is important if you want to avoid making a mess. Consider douching, a technique that involves using water to clean your rectum via a device (such as a pre-packaged, store-bought douche) or concentrated water stream. A healthy diet high in fiber and vegetables can also help keep your rectum cleaner for low-mess sex.
3. 3. Prioritize safe sex. Penetration can carry high levels of risk for sexually transmitted infections and diseases (STIs/STDs), especially in the case of anal penetration, since stretching the anus can cause small tears or fissures in the rectal walls. If you’re engaging in penetration with a new partner with an unknown sexual history, it’s essential to take steps to protect yourself. Consider condoms and preventative medications like PrEP or “Pre-exposure prophylaxis,” a daily prescription pill that reduces the risk of HIV infection.
4. 4. Use lots of lube. Using lube can help prevent discomfort, make you more aroused, and keep vaginal and anal tissue soft. You may need extra lube for anal play since the anus does not self-lubricate like the vagina. It's important that you not only put lube in the anus but also on the outside of the condom, body part, or sex toy that you plan to use. (Silicone lube can wear down silicone toys, so use water-based lube instead.)
5. 5. Experiment with different positions. Being a bottom doesn’t mean you have to be underneath your partner during intercourse. Some positions (like cowgirl/cowperson) put the receiving partner on the top. These positions better suit some bottoms since they allow the receiver to control the speed, angle, and penetration depth. They can also be especially arousing for tops who want to relinquish control or watch the bottom receive pleasure.
6. 6. Avoid getting hung up on the labels. The terms top and bottom are helpful descriptors when talking about sexual intercourse—not official labels. Feel free to explore and experiment with topping and bottoming—learning to be a good top means knowing how to be a good bottom, and vice versa. If you enjoy both roles, feel free to change it up between sexual sessions or even in the middle of a particular sexual encounter—people who enjoy topping and bottoming are called “versatile,” “vers,” or “switches.”

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