How to Be Dominant: 6 Tips for Being Dominant in the Bedroom

Sexual dominance is a sexual practice in which one partner (called the “dom”) holds power during a sexual encounter, guiding the experience for the submissive partner (called the “sub”). Both partners receive sexual pleasure and satisfaction from performing their role (whether dominant or submissive) during the sexual encounter.

Sexual dominance is an element of the dominance and submission community (often shortened to Dom/sub or D/s). D/s is a subcategory under BDSM play, a collection of erotic practices, fetishes, and kinks built upon power dynamics and power exchange between consenting sexual partners. Other groups within the BDSM community include bondage and discipline (B/D) and sadism and masochism (S/M or sadomasochism).

When you’re dominant with your partner, you’re completely in charge of their well-being—this power comes with several responsibilities:

• Know your partner’s boundaries. To engage in healthy D/s play, you and your partner should agree on the activities you’re both comfortable with exploring before you begin. As the dom, you’re responsible for knowing these boundaries and respecting them during an encounter. However, in the middle of a particular session, if your sub feels as if you’re approaching a limit or begin to feel uncomfortable, they need a way to let you know—that’s why every BDSM practitioner must establish at least one safe word with their partner. A safeword is something either person can say (the sub or the dom) to signal that a boundary has been crossed and it’s time for a break. You can also select two different safe words with your partner—one that signals you’d like to stop and another that signals you’re coming close to a boundary and would like to ease off or move the session in a different direction.
• Get familiar with your tools. During a D/s experience, you can use various sex toys and props, including vibrators, blindfolds, spanking paddles, wedge pillows, and riding crops. Regardless of your sex toy preference, make sure that you know how each one works and what sensations they provide; if you don’t, you run the risk of accidentally starting too strong with a toy and hurting your partner. It’s always a good idea to start slow when introducing sex toys into a session, especially the first time. You can still ramp up the action later, according to your partner’s desires.
• Be prepared with safety supplies. Since D/s sessions can be more intense than other sexual encounters, prepare for a wide variety of mishaps (or even injuries) that may occur. A few useful items to have on hand include bandages, soothing rags, scissors or shears that can cut through bondage ties, and keys for any locks you use. It’s also important that you’re aware of any medical conditions your sub has before the session so that you can be prepared with any medications or other considerations in the event of an emergency medical situation.
• Check-in with your partner. Even after discussing boundaries and establishing safe words, you’re still responsible for monitoring your partner’s comfort and pleasure levels throughout a session and adjusting accordingly—after all, D/s play is about mutual enjoyment. During a session, periodically ask your partner how they’re feeling (a simple, “You like that, don’t you?” is a good way to check in without breaking character).
• Aftercare is key. Many sexual activities—and BDSM sessions in particular—can be physically or emotionally intense for both participants, so both partners must engage in healthy aftercare following the sexual experience. Discussion, cuddles, and cleaning up together are great ways to help everyone wind down and process the session, fostering a sense of calm, physical wellness, and emotional well-being.
  

Being dominant encompasses a wide range of experiences, and you and your partner can explore any avenue of pleasure you prefer. Here are some standard practices that you can use in the bedroom to take charge:

1. 1. Permission: Two key tensions at play during most dominant and submissive sexual experiences are permission and punishment. During this type of session, the sub must ask permission to perform certain activities—for instance, performing oral sex or orgasming—and when they act outside of the dominant partner’s rules, they receive a requisite punishment. When starting as the dom, consider setting up a few sexy rules (for instance, choosing the sex positions or what the sub is allowed to wear) and punishments. Common punishments include spanking, edging or chastity, and bondage.
2. 2. Spanking and impact play: Erotic spanking is a type of impact play in which the dom uses their hands, a whip, paddle, or crop to spank parts of the sub’s body for consensual and mutual sexual pleasure. You can use spanking as foreplay before sexual intercourse or a kinky punishment during submission and domination play. Giving an erotic spanking can increase blood flow in the sub’s groin area and releases pleasurable chemicals in the brain, including endorphins and dopamine, to enhance sexual pleasure.
3. 3. Dirty talk: Using a particular language in the bedroom is a key part of dominant behavior in a D/s relationship. As a dom, you can command your sub to address you with respectful pronouns (like “sir” or “madam”) to show that you’re in control. You can also use dirty talk to describe what you’re about to do to your sub or how you’d like them to be treating you.
4. 4. Role-play: Role-playing scenarios can jumpstart the action of a D/s scenario because they offer easy roles for each person to slip into and help you distance yourself from the situation if you’re feeling a little stage fright. If you’re just starting, consider roleplay situations that already have a built-in power dynamic with both a dominant and submissive role—for instance, boss and employee, teacher and student, or doctor and patient.
5. 5. Outfits: D/s often incorporates specific outfits or attire that you can use during a scene. For instance, doms may wear leather outfits, suits, and boots or heels, while subs wear collars, leashes, or role-play costumes like maid outfits. Dressing the part can help you immerse yourself in your role and explore your dominant side.
6. 6. Bondage: Bondage is a sexual practice in which the dominant person uses tools to restrain the sub during a sexual encounter. The most common restraints include rope, leather straps, bondage tape, ties, handcuffs, spreader bars, ball gags, blindfolds, and chains. These restraints are designed to restrict the sub’s senses or freedom of movement to place control in the dom’s hands and heighten mutual sexual stimulation.

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