How to Be Assertive: 10 Tips for Becoming More Assertive

Being assertive means having the ability to confidently communicate what you want or need while also respecting the needs of others. Assertiveness is an interpersonal skill—a behavior you can use to effectively communicate and engage with someone else. Being assertive is a style of communication that is direct yet non-confrontational. Assertiveness is the middle-ground between an aggressive style and a passive style.

The ability to confidently express how you feel and what you want is an important life skill to possess for your personal and professional life. The benefits of being assertive include:

• Being assertive builds self-confidence. When you develop the ability to stand up for yourself, it’s a great confidence builder. The more you grow comfortable with being open and honest with those around you—whether it’s a boss, co-workers, or a family member—the more your feeling of self-worth will improve. In the process, you’ll learn to ask for what you want.
• Assertiveness is a great leadership trait. In business, leaders need to be upfront, direct, and able to delegate tasks in order to effectively manage people and run a company. In your professional life, the ability to be assertive can put you on the fast track to a leadership role.
• Assertive people are less stressed. Unresolved issues that you’re afraid to deal with will linger in your mind and create stress. This prolonged resistance to facing your fears can affect your mental health and wellbeing. The ability to handle matters as they arise frees up room in your mind to accomplish other tasks in your life.
• Assertiveness is an effective communication style. The ability to say what you need lets other people know where you stand on a particular issue. It is a strategy that builds open, honest relationships.
• Being assertive helps you get what you need. Remaining quiet and unassertive results in the status quo. Assertive communication paves the way for achieving your personal goals.

Assertive behavior is a learned skill. Follow these tips for how to be assertive and start getting what you want in life:

1. 1. Believe in yourself. Low self-esteem can prevent you from telling others what you want. When you begin to really value your self-worth, you will have an easier time communicating your needs. Worrying about the opinions of others can stand in the way of being honest with yourself and others. Being assertive is a clear sign of self-respect.
2. 2. Learn how to say “no.” Often, people are reluctant to say “no” to others in order to be people-pleasers, even if saying “yes” creates an inconvenience for them. Whether it’s taking on a colleague’s extra work or watching a friend’s dog, helping others makes people feel good. But it’s important to recognize when your life needs to take priority over helping someone out. If you have a lot on your plate already and you can’t take on more at the moment, simply say no. It’s an empowering feeling and you can offer help at a time that works better for you.
3. 3. Start small. If you’re having a hard time finding that assertive voice, begin with small things. Perhaps you still hear a rattling after you pick your car up from the shop, but you’re afraid to question your mechanic’s work. Say something. Begin to practice daily rituals of putting yourself first.
4. 4. Practice your assertiveness skills. Practice what you’re going to say. For example, if you’re going in to ask for a raise, try roleplaying with a partner or friend to sketch out the different scenarios, so you won’t be caught off guard and lose momentum when you’re in the moment. You can also write out what you want to say and rehearse it so you’re confident when you make your actual pitch.
5. 5. Be simple and direct. Don’t leave room for misinterpretation. Assertiveness is effective because it is straight to the point. Tell the other person how you’re feeling using the pronoun “I”—as in “I feel” or “I think.” This is a confident approach. Beginning with “you” presumes to know what the other side is feeling and comes across as a more aggressive communication style.
6. 6. Leave negative emotions out of it. You might be navigating a difficult situation and harboring negative feelings towards the opposing party, but leave all of those emotions out of your message. Even if the other person becomes reactive, stay calm. Getting angry or defensive can lead to an aggressive response rather than an assertive response. You need to stay on track, which will help mitigate a bad situation.
7. 7. Remember your body language. Your words are only one part of how you’re communicating with others. Your body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions contribute to your message. Keep a neutral face expression (practice in front of a mirror if you need to). Stand up tall and make eye contact, two key attributes of a confident person.
8. 8. Understand the other point of view. A key ingredient of assertiveness is the ability to say what you need while also recognizing the wishes of others. Assertive people are effective because they possess empathy and respect other opinions and ideas when negotiating. On the other hand, aggressive people demand their needs be met with no regard for anyone else. Respecting the person you are communicating with often leads to a collaborative solution and a win-win scenario with both sides getting what they need.
9. 9. Keep it positive. No one likes difficult conversations and as a result, things go unresolved which leads to stress and complicated relationships. One way to stop procrastinating and deal with situations that require you to be assertive is to approach them with positive emotions. If you communicate with an upbeat tone, the other person will often let down their guard and respond accordingly.
10. 10. Stand your ground. If you don’t get what you want the first time you ask, don’t give up. In assertiveness training, this technique is called a broken record. The person might not respond the way you hoped the first time, but they might simply need time to process what you want. Go back and repeat what it is you need until you get it.

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