8 Tips for Exploring Dominatrix Role Play

A dominatrix (“domme” or “dom” for short) is a woman-identifying, non-binary, or genderqueer person who physically and/or psychologically dominates their partner, generally known within the BDSM community as a “submissive” or “sub.”

In the BDSM community, there are two main types of dommes: lifestyle dominatrices, who take a dominant role with their submissive(s) all day, every day; and dominatrixes who explore kinks, fetishes, and BDSM. BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism) should involve a careful amount of negotiation and communication prior to any sexual or non-sexual domination activity to ensure consent.

Here are some ways to get started if you’re interested in role-playing as a dominatrix with your partner.

1. 1. Talk first. Before engaging in any sort of BDSM play, you will want to talk with your partner about your bodies, desires, and mental or emotional boundaries. In this conversation, you can establish safe words—such as traffic-light-style "yellow" and "red"—and agree on nonverbal signals that will keep you in the moment without potentially violating consent.
2. 2. Pay attention to body language. When you take on the role of dominatrix, your partner is trusting you with their safety and pleasure. Honor this powerful role by observing your partner's reactions and signals, and reacting accordingly.
3. 3. Make a list of what you are and are not comfortable with. Create a written document outlining what you and your partner both want to try, including any hard limits and boundaries. Some ideas may include role play, teasing, delayed gratification, or freedom from decision. If you and your partner are interested in exploring BDSM, kinks, and fetishes but you aren't exactly sure what you want, brainstorm together.
4. 4. Get into character. Dressing up is a great way to get into your domme character. Choose something that makes you feel powerful, whether it's a leather corset and pants, strappy lingerie, or a business suit. You might want to choose a dominatrix name and title (such as Goddess, Queen, or Mistress) to further embody your domme alter-ego
5. 5. Remove expectations from sex. Instead of focusing on genital sex and orgasm, create a safe space for play, openness, and catharsis. Removing some of the expectations normally associated with genital intercourse makes room for exploration and discovery.
6. 6. Stick to the script. As part of the domme/sub power dynamic, most people do not engage in any play that was not agreed upon before the session. That means saying "no" to any in-the-moment requests, and not pushing anything new and nonconsensual on your sub.
7. 7. Learn how to use props. If you and your partner are interested in impact play or bondage, you can incorporate sex toys and props like paddles, crops, or restraints that deliver the right thrill without risking serious pain or harm. Before adding props to your routine, make sure you know exactly how to use them. Start with milder options like blindfolds, handcuffs, and spanking, or consider taking a bondage class with your partner to learn more.
8. 8. Don’t skip aftercare. Aftercare is the time following sex or “play” when you and your partner can express appreciation for one another. Following any BDSM experience, you want to set aside time to be tender with your partner with activities like cuddling, pillow talk, and an emotional check-in. Talk to your partner about any feelings the session brought up, and openly discuss what worked or didn’t work for both of you.

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