Esther Perel on How to Avoid Miscommunication

Miscommunication is the inability to accurately send or receive a message, emotion, or idea. Although clear communication strategies can help reduce miscommunications from occurring in the first place, several factors can contribute to a broken connection between the sender and receiver.

As an example of miscommunication, consider a person who sends an SMS containing an emoji (a symbol for objects or concepts in electronic communication). If the recipient is not familiar with the underlying meaning of that particular symbol, the emoji ends up being an insufficient communication tool to transfer the message and opens the door for a misunderstanding.

The development of practical communication skills is necessary for maintaining relationships. Partners who work consistently at avoiding miscommunication can build deeper trust, while a lack of communication or constant misinterpretation can quickly deteriorate a hard-earned relationship. In some cases, unclear verbal communication can cause irreparable damage to a person’s sense of self-worth, potentially eroding their mental health.

Learn to identify and avoid these common causes of miscommunication:

• Ambiguity: Communication barriers can muddle a message's intent, but if the statement is vague from the beginning, it is unlikely the message will reach its target in the way you intend. Instead use clear and concise language.
• Passive listening: Sometimes poor listening habits cause information to fall through the cracks. Good communication requires active listening. In face-to-face interactions, a good listener uses solid eye contact, welcoming facial expressions, and open body language. These nonverbal cues communicate mindful openness and a willingness to receive the message from the sender.
• Poor body language: Closed arms, averted eye contact, or poor posture can all communicate a resistance or disregard for the message or the sender. Humans rely on nonverbal communication in one-on-one conversations to deduce the tone and intent of a message. Be mindful of how you are holding your body and what unspoken message it might be sending to the other person.

Here are five effective communication strategies from renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel when it comes to handling misunderstandings:

1. 1. Avoid blaming others. A natural response to a miscommunication is to investigate responsibility, but if curiosity devolves into casting blame, it can lead to reduced trust between the speaker and receiver. A defensive emotional response could set the foundation for future miscommunications. "Communication is the expressiveness of a host of other feelings that drive it,” Esther explains. “Sometimes positive, sometimes negative anticipation of the other person." Rather than spend energy on casting blame, focus on resolving the situation at hand and determining what you can do differently next time.
2. 2. Consider the context. Esther argues speakers often underestimate the importance of cultural differences that could broaden the communication gap between the speaker and receiver. "Every culture can map communication between direct and indirect,” Esther says. “Those are major cultural differences that apply directly to communication and how we speak." Carefully consider the context of your conversation before jumping to any conclusions and always be respectful.
3. 3. Don’t punish yourself. Communication can be a minefield of missed intent, shallow context, and crossed signals that might lead to arguments and confrontation. Take responsibility when you fail to broadcast your message concisely, but forgive yourself for instances of poor communication and commit to learning from your mistakes. "Miscommunication is a part of communication like missing a tone or a note is a part of learning to play music,” Esther says. “It's normal. It's natural. There's nothing wrong with us because we miscommunicate."
4. 4. Pick up the phone. "Research is quite unanimous at this moment that the proliferation of written forms of communication and short, abbreviated forms of communication has lent itself to massive amounts of miscommunications and misunderstandings," Esther asserts. While concise written communication is invaluable in today's romantic relationships and hybrid work environments, senders must ensure they account for the tone of voice in their messaging. A private phone call or video call can do a lot to ensure you and your partner are on the same page. At work, in-person meetings or large team video conferences can be effective business communication strategies and will do much to eliminate misalignments.
5. 5. Think before you speak. The best way to avoid an instance of miscommunication is to tailor your message and communication style to the recipient. Develop a concise message in your own words, choose a delivery method with the fewest communication barriers possible, and follow up to ensure the other person received your message well. Esther explains how to be more aware when considering the recipient of your communication. "If you know that you have someone who's highly sensitive to criticism,” she says, “you're going to speak differently than if you talk to someone who you know tends to take the message at face value.”

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.