How to Ask For Sex: 4 Tips When Asking For Sex

While some good sex can occur naturally or spontaneously when partners are in the mood, other times one partner may not know if the other is feeling aroused, so they may ask for sex to see if they can initiate intercourse. Asking for sex is a normal and natural part of a healthy sexual relationship; it takes open communication, mutual empathy, and trust.

However, there are inappropriate ways a partner might ask for sex; for instance, by applying pressure or manipulation, asking at an inopportune time (like at the height of an argument), or asking at a pace the other person cannot sustain. If you or your partner feel the requests for sex in your relationship are inappropriate, consult a licensed professional relationship therapist.

If you’re with a new partner and would like to ask for sex for the first time, here are some tips to keep in mind:

1. 1. Consider the situation. Before you ask for sex for the first time, read the situation and the other person’s body language. For example, avoid asking for sex if the other person appears uncomfortable or intoxicated.
2. 2. Establish consent. If you feel ready to have sex for the first time with a new partner, you must establish clear consent. This means that you receive free, unpressured confirmation that the other person would like to have sex. A direct question like “Do you want to have sex?” works to establish clear consent.
3. 3. Work up to it. If you’re feeling aroused but at least one of you isn’t ready for sex yet, there are a wide range of other sexual activities you could recommend. For instance, consider asking for a different sexual experience, like a sexy massage to be physically intimate while still respecting everyone’s emotional needs and boundaries.

If you’re feeling aroused and would like to initiate sex with your partner or partners, here are some healthy and empathetic ways to approach them:

1. 1. Ask directly. While it may seem awkward, the direct approach is a great way to ask for sex honestly and openly. Be relaxed and avoid making it high-pressure. Consider something like, “Hey, would having sex tonight interest you?” As relationships mature and schedules become more complex, you may find the need to carve out time on your calendars for each other. This is a normal and healthy practice; while pop culture and media may try to represent all great sex and romance as spontaneous and wild, a lot of people in long-term relationships schedule dates to put the necessary energy into their sex lives.
2. 2. Offer different approaches. If you’re feeling aroused but your partner seems less interested in intercourse, consider asking for a different sexual experience, like oral sex or mutual masturbation, to stay physically intimate while still respecting their emotional needs and sensitivities.
3. 3. Use an indirect approach. The indirect approach to asking for sex from your partner is to do something that signals your arousal or puts them in the mood. There are many foreplay techniques you can use, and many will be unique to your relationship and situation. Some common ways are sexting, gifting a new sex toy or vibrator, having a conversation about turn-ons or sexual desires, or creating the space for a romantic and stress-free evening. However, remember that just because you’ve done something sexy for your partner, they shouldn’t feel pressured to have sex.
4. 4. Talk openly about your sex life. While not an approach for asking for sex in the moment, it’s important to establish open lines of communication about sex between you and your partner. If you find that your partner seems less interested in sex than you are, sit down and have an honest conversation with them. Ask if there are things in their life that seem to get in the way of sex, if there is a type of sex they’re interested in that you haven’t explored together yet, or if they have a major sexual turnoff they haven’t shared yet. Investigate the other areas of the relationship you could improve together to work toward a healthier sex life. Being up-front and honest about your feelings around sex will create a safe space for you to develop your sexual relationship together; the best sex is sex that is collaborative and trusting.

Craving a little more intimacy? Grab a MasterClass Annual Membership and learn more about open communication with your partners, experimenting in the bedroom, and being your own best sexual advocate with a little help from Emily Morse (host of the wildly popular podcast Sex With Emily).