Esther Perel’s Life and Career as a Relationship Expert

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert who studies the importance of trust, freedom, security, and eroticism in modern partnerships. Her work—explored in podcasts and bestselling books—helps define modern love in its complexities, aliveness, and romantic relationships. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017). Forbes named her an inaugural member of the 50 Over 50 list, and publications like The New York Times, The Guardian, and The New Yorker have celebrated her unique therapy practice. According to Esther, “It is the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our lives.”

Therapist Esther Perel has led a fascinating life filled with many rich chapters that have informed her practice as more than just a couples therapist. Here are some fast facts about her:

1. 1. She explores the complexity of the need for security and independence. Esther sees romantic relationships as ones defined by the push and pull between the desire for security (love, intimacy, homemaking) and independence (alone time, erotic desire, adventure).
2. 2. She has hosted two podcasts. Esther is the host of the podcast Where Should We Begin? (which offers couple’s therapy and aired for the first time on Audible) and How’s Work? (which streams on Spotify and offers therapy sessions for professional relationships).
3. 3. She is the daughter of Holocaust survivors. Born in Antwerp, Belgium, Esther grew up around Holocaust survivors; her parents’ outlooks after the war inspired an interest in human behavior and relationships. According to Esther, survivors fall into two groups: “those who didn’t die, and those who came back to life.” The former group referred to those who felt afraid of the world around them, while the latter represented those who found an antidote in eroticism and connection.
4. 4. She launched a card game. Esther’s card game, Where Should We Begin - A Game of Stories, launched in 2021, to allow players to dive deeper into their relationships via inviting questions.
5. 5. She’s received multiple degrees. Esther earned a BA in educational psychology and French literature at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem in Israel; she got her master's degree in expressive art therapy from Lesley University in Cambridge, Massachusetts; and she worked as a clinical instructor at the New York University School of Medicine for thirteen years.

Esther explores mental health and autonomy in modern relationships. Her class features many invaluable insights and building blocks for a healthy relationship, including the highlights below:

1. 1. Determine your relationship to trust and risk. In Esther’s experience, building trust starts with understanding your own needs. She says, “Do you see yourself as someone who needs to trust first? Or do you see yourself more as someone who is more quick at taking risks?” Taking stock of your needs allows you to “ground yourself in the reality of the here and now” before building trust with a partner. “Some people say that you need to trust someone, a relationship, before you are feeling okay to take risks with that person,” Esther adds. “But some people will say—and this is how the research divides around trust as well—that it is actually by taking risks that trust develops.”
2. 2. Intimacy requires openness. Sexual connection relies on vulnerability, trust, and newness. To bring more erotic energy to relationships, Esther advises people to begin with an intention. She says, “The intention is, you know, ‘I've been thinking about us. And I realize that it's been awhile since we talked more deep, since we just put our phones down, and we really focused on each other, since we dreamt together, since we talked not just about the everyday long list of to-dos, since we kind of were inquisitive and curious about each other as people.” Being open and communicating a need for connection is an excellent way to bring more vibrancy to a relationship.
3. 3. Learn to navigate breaches in trust. “When [trust] breaks, it feels shattered and unable to ever be put back together,” Esther says. That response is completely normal—breaches in trust hurt, especially in lasting relationships. “But in fact, [trust] is quite malleable,” she says. “Life and new experiences, like grafting new cells on top, slowly allow us to experience trust again.” Avoid jumping to conclusions or making hasty judgments—instead, give the other person the benefit of the doubt, allow yourself time to recover from breaches in trust, and then check in with yourself using your new life experiences to decide how to move forward and if things can be repaired. Even when trust decreases, it is possible to rebuild trust through careful, hard work slowly.
4. 4. Power dynamics are intrinsic to relationships. Power, as often discussed in relationships, relates to abuse of power. However, Esther notes that, in many relationships, power is much more textured. “Power comes with the fact that when people need each other, rely on each other, have expectations from each other, depend on each other, it gives them power,” she says. “But the question always is, is it power over or is it power to? Power over you can be oppressive, can be dominant, can be exploitative. But power can be generative, can be inviting, active, and collaborative.”
5. 5. Understand the difference between dialogue and debates. Knowing the key difference here can lead to more productive conversations with loved ones. “If I debate you, I'm arguing. I am trying to make a point,” Esther says. “I am more interested in your listening to me than I am interested in listening to you. It is confrontational, and it is meant to win. A dialogue is an exchange. A dialogue, there's no winner. A dialogue invites me to listen and then respond on the basis of what I've heard rather than responding from the place of what I already came with before.”

MasterClass members took away the following lessons from Esther’s class:

1. 1. Be the best version of yourself. “This class teaches you how to strengthen your personal and professional relationships by showing up as the best possible version of yourself,” Leila N. says. “[Learn] how to practice empathy, vulnerability, and wholeheartedness.”
2. 2. Build your toolkit. “This class unravels many of the mysteries that seem to plague relationships and gives you tools and ideas that you can use to improve your relationships and better understand others,” Benjamin D. says.
3. 3. Improve your quality of life. “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our life,” Somika B. says. “Esther Perel's [class] dives into the art and science of conversations and connections, helping to deftly navigate a range of situations and experiences—whether it's the boardroom or the bedroom.”

To learn more about effective communication—at home and in the office—consider the following classes:

1. 1. Emily Morse on sex and communication: Emily Morse is a sex therapist and author best known as the founder and host of the award-winning podcast Sex With Emily. Watch Emily’s class to learn how to identify and communicate your sexual desires to boost intimate relationships.
2. 2. George Stephanopoulos on purposeful communication: Legendary interviewer and broadcaster George Stephanopoulos has navigated challenging interviews for more than 30 years—as former White House communications director and presently as coanchor of Good Morning America. Watch George’s class to learn how to communicate under pressure and prepare questions for interviews.
3. 3. Robin Roberts on effective and authentic communication: Robin Roberts is a television broadcaster and journalist who has held an impressive breadth of on-screen jobs, from sports anchoring to coanchoring ABC’s Good Morning America. Watch Robin’s class to learn how to build public speaking skills and communicate your value at work.

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.