Enmeshment: 5 Signs of Enmeshed Families

Enmeshment describes relationships with unclear emotional boundaries, particularly familial relationships. Enmeshment in families occurs when the parent-child relationship blurs, stunting the children’s emotional development and creating confusing inter-familial dynamics. Family therapist Salvador Minuchin introduced the concept of enmeshment in the 1970s.

In a healthy family, there is cohesion and clear boundaries: The family unit is hierarchical, where parents side together and have a proper amount of control over their children. Enmeshed families have no limitations—relationship patterns will vary as children ignore discipline and take sides when parents feud. These patterns can continue with adult children and pass through generations.

Enmeshment and disengagement are both signs of dysfunction in families. With parental enmeshment, parents put their own emotions over their children, treating their kids more like best friends and leading to dysfunctional family systems. Disengagement is the opposite of enmeshment and describes a family with solid boundaries, leading to detachment between family members.

There are a few ways to identify enmeshed relationships within family dynamics:

1. 1. Absence of physical boundaries: Codependent relationships bring family members closer together on a physical level; children will spend more time sitting on parents’ laps or being in the same room with them instead of being off on their own to define their own emotional identity.
2. 2. Lack of sense of self: Enmeshment can impede a child’s ability to form their own identity, affecting their sense of self and self-worth.
3. 3. Minimal connection to peers: Children in enmeshed families cannot readily associate with their peers or people their age.
4. 4. Role reversals: In these family relationships, children may take on more of a caregiver role for their parents, particularly regarding emotional support.
5. 5. “We” statements: Enmeshed parents often use “we” statements to speak for their children, ultimately confusing their young ones into thinking that their emotional state does and must mirror that of their parents.

A few different factors can cause enmeshment in families. Consider the following possible causes:

• Abuse: If a parent physically or emotionally abuses a child, that child is likely to take comfort in the other parent, also leading to enmeshment.
• Marital issues: In parents’ romantic relationships, stress can lead to emotional distance. In these cases, children are more likely to choose sides and operate more as friends to parents than children.
• Needs: Parents putting their own needs over their children’s is another major cause, as is a lack of healthy boundaries between parent and child.
• Over-involvement: Parents being over-involved in their children’s lives can also cause enmeshment.

Enmeshment can have several adverse effects on a child’s life. Many people will enact enmeshment under the guise of creating a close family. Still, these parenting styles can lead to a lack of self-esteem, delayed maturing, and confused family roles for the children.

Enmeshed children will often not have an outlet for their emotional needs as parents will take up more emotional space; without a way to process their feelings, they can become depressed and confused about their identity.

Parents can follow these tips to restore healthy relationships to enmeshed families:

1. 1. Be a strong unit. Parents should agree on what is and is not okay for children to do; a unified front means children can’t pick sides.
2. 2. Encourage independence in children. Giving children personal lives offers them the space to find interests and hone their unique identities. Sign children up for club sports or activities where they will learn more social skills with people their age.
3. 3. Know how to display emotions. Parents should confide in one another, not their young children, about their emotional needs to avoid making children the caretakers.
4. 4. See a family therapist. Family therapy is a healthy way to have professionals offer tools needed to create healthier family dynamics and relationships.
5. 5. Set boundaries. Setting boundaries can establish a more apparent household dynamic, certifying that parents have authority and that children should obey rules, curfews, and family traditions.

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