Enmeshed Relationships: Esther Perel on Enmeshment

Esther Perel is a Belgian psychotherapist and relationship expert who studies the importance of freedom, security, eroticism, and trust in relationships. Her work—explored in podcasts and bestselling books—helps define modern love in all its complexities. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (2006) and The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (2017). Forbes named her an inaugural member of the 50 Over 50 list, and publications like The New York Times, The Guardian, and The New Yorker have celebrated her unique therapy practice.

Enmeshed relationships are those in which people’s identities fuse with those of their family or friend group. Enmeshment is a kind of codependency and is part of unhealthy relationships. When psychiatrists discuss enmeshment, they usually talk about parent-child relationships, but it can also play out in romantic relationships and friend groups.

Enmeshed parents will leave their children no emotional space, meaning children will struggle to have their own emotions and will feel those of the parents. A lack of physical boundaries also exist; parents and children will spend all their time together in a shared space. Family enmeshment can lead to over-involvement, a lack of personal boundaries, and codependent relationships.

Several factors can cause an enmeshed family unit. Consider the following causes:

1. 1. Family history: Often, enmeshment is cyclical. If a parent grew up in an enmeshed family, they are likely to repeat the pattern of behavior.
2. 2. Low self-esteem: Low self-esteem can make adult children too reliant on their parents.
3. 3. Poor socialization: Sometimes, if people cannot form their own identities or pursue their own interests, they can unwillingly create unhealthy dependencies in the family system.
4. 4. Traumatic events: Parents may go through a traumatic event (such as a child surviving a near-death experience), which will deteriorate healthy boundaries. The parents may create forced cohesion in the parent and child’s lives, building a close family out of fear and anxiety.

With Esther’s tips, learn how to identify signs of enmeshment and how you can recognize them in relationship patterns to begin setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs.

• Define your emotional needs and personal space. Healthy relationships rely on coming together and also having independent time. Not having both can lead to unhealthy dynamics. “It’s about letting people in and opening up . . .,” Esther says, “creating separateness, and knowing where you stop and where the other starts so that not everything becomes a part of you.”
• Look out for lack of boundaries. Everyone’s experiences are different, but relationship dynamics become unhealthily fused in enmeshed groups. “There is no boundary,” Esther says. “Everything that happens to one person happens to the other.”
• See if you have an identity outside of your family members. In enmeshed families, Esther says, “There is no clear sense of where one person stops and the other one starts.” People will avoid external conflict or expect their family to save them from it, and they won’t have their own sense of self beyond the family unit, making it difficult to connect with others.

Enmeshed romantic or family relationships can make people immature, codependent, and unequipped to deal with emotional complexity. This behavior can lead to personality and mental health disorders in the long term. If adolescents leave home for college, for example, and have no sense of self beyond their family, they may suffer from low self-esteem or mental illness because they don’t know who they are in other settings. Close family bonds are essential, but when that closeness borders on control, it ultimately damages the child and their future.

There are many ways in which you can set boundaries for yourself in your relationships. Try out these three tips below:

• Define your limits. Know what you are comfortable with and what you are not. It is essential to set healthy boundaries in relationships. An open conversation can carve a path toward success for both parties.
• Get comfortable saying “no.” You can disempower yourself by constantly saying “yes,” especially to uncomfortable scenarios. Reclaim your power by learning how to say “no” to things outside your boundaries.
• Remind people of boundaries. Setting boundaries may be new to you and your partner or relatives. That means you may need to restate them; try not to let that upset you. In most cases, everyone is trying their best in this new dynamic. Allow time for growth and acceptance.

Consider the following ways to overcome enmeshment:

• Family therapy: Seeing a family therapist can help reveal buried pain and unspoken struggles, allowing the parents to see the damage they have inflicted and how to correct it before it’s too late for the child’s maturing.
• Open communication: Setting boundaries with parents or loved ones and explicitly stating when they can spend together can help establish guidelines and support the enmeshed group's healing process.
• Pursuing interests: Creating your own identity is one of the best ways to overcome enmeshment. Pursuing your passions gives you a stronger sense of self and motivation to be your own person who is capable, driven, and engaged.

Developing relational intelligence and improving communication are essential to boost the quality of your personal and professional relationships. Discover Esther Perel’s approach to resolving conflict, having difficult conversations, and building trust when you sign up for a MasterClass Annual Membership.