Emotional Labor in Relationships: Examples of Emotional Labor

Emotional labor in relationships is any work a person does to regulate their feelings to please their partner or partners. This regulation can come in the form of surface acting, in which the person performs inauthentic emotions (or deep acting) and works to change their emotions to align with the inauthentic ones they perform externally. Significant emotional labor is a major mental load on a person and is not healthy in relationships; it can lead to exhaustion, burnout, arguments, and breakups.

The term “emotional labor” first appeared in sociologist Arlie Hochschild’s 1983 book The Managed Heart: Commercialization of Human Feeling; although Hochschild’s and subsequent research centered on emotional labor in the workplace—especially in customer service roles like flight attendants and wait staff—relationship therapists adopted the term and applied it to platonic and romantic relationships. Some theorists now use the term “emotional labor” more broadly—beyond the realm of emotional work—to refer to any kind of unpaid, invisible labor by one partner, such as managing the household.

Emotional labor—the regulation of your own emotions for someone else’s sake—can take several forms in a relationship, whether with a romantic partner, family member, or friend. Examples of emotional labor include:

1. 1. A mismatch in support-giving: One of the most pervasive signs of emotional labor in relationships is an imbalance in the level of support each partner receives. One partner may regularly ask for emotional support during difficult times, but then withdraw when the other person needs similar nurturing. This creates two forms of emotional labor: The unsupported partner may continue to fake their willingness to give support, and they may fake they’re okay and can manage without reciprocated support later on.
2. 2. Performing expected roles: Emotional labor often goes hand in hand with societal expectations in relationships. One partner may feel social pressure to be the primary household manager in charge of the invisible work of household tasks or childcare, and if this division of labor feels unbalanced or unfair, they may use emotion regulation to perform happiness in this position.
3. 3. Regularly suppressing true emotions: If one or both partners in a relationship regularly suppress their true emotions by downplaying their feelings, avoiding a partner, or burying their own feelings of negativity, this is a form of emotional labor.
4. 4. Routinely faking emotions to avoid disagreements: Similar to suppressing true emotions, emotional labor can evolve into full-on faking of emotions. This can happen when one partner is easily set off by a particular situation or disagreement, so the other decides to regularly perform an inauthentic emotion to avoid the conflict.

If you feel like your personal relationship includes an unhealthy emotional load, the key to talking about it is honesty. Here are some tactics to help you discuss emotional labor:

1. 1. Choose a calm and stress-free time. When broaching a difficult subject with your partner, create a moment and an environment that is calm, comfortable, and safe. Avoid bringing up the topic during an argument or a stressful situation when neither of you will be in the rational headspace necessary to grapple with a difficult topic or conversation.
2. 2. Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Avoid making “you” statements, such as, “You haven’t been supporting me.” They can sound accusatory and cause the other person to become defensive and argumentative. Instead, opt for “I” statements like “I feel like I’m not getting the support I need.” Use clear, direct statements that accurately describe your emotional needs and how you feel, without obviously pointing fingers. “I” statements create a more open dialogue and help avoid stopping the conversation in its tracks.
3. 3. Give your partner time to process. If you’ve been doing a significant amount of emotional labor in a relationship, it may come as a shock to your partner that you’ve been performing certain emotions. Don’t require a response or a solution right away; if your partner needs time to think and process their emotions before you discuss again, be patient, but plan to check in again at a later time.
4. 4. Agree on a plan of action. Once you’re both ready to discuss options, collaborate together on a plan to remove the performative emotional labor from your relationship. This plan could include regular check-ins, a promise to identify moments when either of you feel you are performing certain untrue emotions, an agreement to avoid certain situations altogether, a redivision of household chores, or a discussion of how you can better support one another. You may choose to begin couples therapy, visits with a mental health counselor or psychotherapist, or another supportive activity to help facilitate positive change and work toward the overall well-being of each other and the relationship.

Craving a little more intimacy? Grab a MasterClass Annual Membership and learn more about open communication with your partners, experimenting in the bedroom, and being your own best sexual advocate with a little help from Emily Morse (host of the wildly popular podcast Sex With Emily).