What Is Desire Discrepancy? Emily Morse Explains

Emily Morse is a sex therapist and author best known as the founder and host of the award-winning podcast Sex With Emily. Since 2005, Emily’s honest, candid conversations about pleasure, intimacy, and sexual wellness have gained the attention of millions of listeners.

Desire discrepancy, also known as sexual desire discrepancy (SDD), refers to partners with differences in sexual desire. According to the European Society for Sexual Medicine, “There is a lack of theoretical and empirical knowledge on how sexual desire functions and interacts in a relationship.”

Although the “how” and “why” of desire discrepancy remains murky, real people experience its impact every day. According to Emily Morse, desire discrepancy is “one of the most common challenges couples face.” Here’s how it can manifest:

• Feelings of rejection: Someone whose partner declines their sexual advances may feel rejected. “They feel like you don’t care about them,” Emily says. “And it starts this cycle of rejection.”
• Feelings of shame: “The person who doesn’t want sex all the time, the lower desire, is like, ‘Oh my god. Everyone else must want sex, and something’s wrong with me,’” Emily says. This kind of thinking can lead to feelings of shame and turn sexual intimacy into a stressor.
• Little or no impact: “There’s always going to be someone in the relationship who wants sex more often than the other partner,” Emily says. And that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. According to the European Society for Sexual Medicine, “SDD does not necessarily cause distress or require treatment.”

“I’m going to guess that you still . . . have these thoughts at times, that sex—another reason why we don’t talk about it—it’s just supposed be, like, ‘I should just be struck by the urge to have sex with my partner all the time, or something’s wrong with me . . . Because other people are just struck by it.’ They’re not.” — Emily Morse

Desire discrepancy is a normal part of intimate relationships. Here’s what to do if it’s impacting your overall relationship satisfaction:

Desire discrepancy is not sexual dysfunction; it’s simply part of human sexuality. You might think the lack of sex in your relationship is due to hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), but in most cases, sexual and relationship satisfaction has more to do with communication.

Instead of trying to create a situation where you and your partner or partners have the same level of desire at the same time (which is extremely unlikely), accept that it’s normal for people to experience desire differently and focus on reducing stress and increasing pleasure.

Desire discrepancy is usually an issue in long-term relationships, and it can stem from unrealistic expectations surrounding sex. “The ‘honeymoon phase’ typically lasts anywhere from, biologically speaking, six months to eighteen months,” Emily says. “In this phase, we feel that lust. That chemistry, the attraction, like we can’t get enough.”

Your biology reflects this: “The brainwave patterns of people who [are] falling in love or lust . . . [are] the same as somebody . . . on cocaine,” Emily says. “Those love drugs are all matched, and we’re excited, and it feels great. [But] you can't stay high all the time . . . That’s not sustainable.” Understanding the natural fluctuations of desire can help married couples and partners in long-term relationships accept the reality of this new phase in their sexual life.

“With your partner, what you can do is cultivate that attraction and that chemistry in other ways. Like, that’s the work. The work is, alright, well, we’re not going to feel that. That was the fun part. That was the bonding part. But now, how do we deepen our intimacy? How do we make sure that we still have intimacy, and sex, and connection that works for both of us?” — Emily Morse

Many people take an individualistic approach to sexual desire, thinking they either have a high sex drive or low libido. However, sexual interest is very subjective: There is no universal standard for sexual frequency.

Your desire can also change: “In a lot of long-term relationships, just come to expect that your libido is going to wax and wane over time,” Emily says. “Sometimes, you’ll feel like you want sex more often than other times.” Your preferred level of sexual activity might not match your partner’s, and that’s okay. It also doesn’t necessarily mean that your partner has low sexual desire.

According to Emily, many people believe in a linear model of desire where “spontaneous desire leads to stimulation, which leads to explosive orgasm, which leads to that blissed-out sleepy state. But this idea was challenged by Dr. Rosemary Basson. She proposed an alternative to the linear model called responsive desire, in which many people start off neutral to sex, and desire is actually triggered by physical touch, affection, bonding, dirty talking, or romance.”

With responsive desire, “the sex never really ends,” Emily says, “because the orgasm isn’t the goal. The vital element that powers this cycle is emotional intimacy, which makes you want more sex and more connection.”

“I think a lot of us crave intimacy. We actually think that we want sex, but what we actually crave is intimacy. And intimacy is when we are truly our open, vulnerable, authentic selves with somebody else.” — Emily Morse

“We’re all f*cking just walking around feeling really bad, really bad, about how we are sexual beings,” Emily says. “And that’s because no one’s talking about it.” Get the conversation started with your partner, and you may discover that your “desire discrepancy” is due to miscommunication.

Emily acknowledges that these conversations can be tough. “Say, ‘Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for participating in this with me, and for being so brave, and so open, and so cool about hearing where my mind goes, where I want to take our sex life,’” Emily says. “You can’t say thanks enough. We all want to feel appreciated.”

“The more connected you feel with your partner and yourself, the more you’re going to want to get it on.” — Emily Morse

Now that you know spontaneous desire is a myth, you can stop waiting for desire to happen and start getting intentional by scheduling a date night. “The great thing about that is then you’re like, ‘Okay, well now we can look forward to Saturday night,’” Emily says. “I know that I will put on something that makes me feel sexy . . . I’ll look forward to it, right? Because we talk about anticipation, and arousal, and desire. Your brain’s the most powerful sex organ.”

Try breaking out of your sexual routine and broadening your sexual repertoire with activities like massage, cuddling, or kissing. “I think kissing is kind of underrated,” Emily says. “There are over a million nerve endings being stimulated when kissing. Deep, erotic kissing with open mouths that involve tongue, saliva, and moaning stimulates arousal and can create more intimacy, and make sexual pleasure feel more connected and complete. And don’t just limit kissing to our lips. Kiss someone’s face; kiss their neck. Kiss all over.”

It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re stressed about your relationship. Relationship therapy or individual psychotherapy can significantly improve your communication skills and address any underlying mental health issues.

Trust and intimacy are important in sexual relationships, but that doesn’t mean you have to do everything together. “Have a life with friends and do things outside of the relationship, so you have something to come back to,” Emily says. “You have your own things going on. So when you do see each other again, you can have the tension and the arousal [that you can’t have] if you’re always on top of each other.”

Craving a little more intimacy? Grab a MasterClass Annual Membership and learn more about open communication with your partners, experimenting in the bedroom, and being your own best sexual advocate with a little help from Emily Morse (host of the wildly popular podcast Sex With Emily).