Competition in Relationships: Signs of a Competitive Relationship

A competitive relationship is when two people in a close dynamic (typically friends, romantic partners, or family members) constantly compete with each other. While a little competition can be playful and friendly, people in severely competitive relationships may have built-up resentment against their counterparts. They may view success as a limited resource and secretly hope for their companion to fail in their endeavors. These unresolved feelings make it difficult for both parties to support or trust each other, preventing a genuinely healthy relationship from flourishing.

While some competitive spirit during a board game is perfectly healthy, constant competition can harm a partnership. This type of competition often stems from one party’s insecurities in the relationship, leading them to feel resentful and inadequate when the other party flourishes.

Competitive partners may boast about their own success while belittling their partner’s endeavors. This type of dynamic can also become abusive, as one person may try to manipulate or sabotage the other to placate their own feelings of inadequacy.

Competitive relationships can negatively affect both parties, so it’s important to know what to look for. Here are some unhealthy signs of competition in a relationship:

1. 1. Boasting is commonplace. It’s normal to want positive regard from a friend, lover, or family member, but going out of your way to ignite jealousy indicates an unhealthy pattern. Rather than tearing your loved one down, your motivation for sharing victories should be positive.
2. 2. Compromise is challenging. An inability to find a solution to the simplest conflict (like what to have for dinner) is a red flag. One partner should not expect to have everything their way or constantly have the last word in a disagreement.
3. 3. Honesty takes a backseat. If you don’t feel safe sharing your wins or failings with your partner, you may be feeling too competitive with them. Conversely, you might invent or exaggerate your accomplishments to make them feel small.
4. 4. Winning is the ultimate goal. Competitive relationships encourage individual partners to see themselves as separate entities in an argument, prioritizing winning at all costs. Fights are a normal part of any partnership, but partners should concern themselves with finding a mutually beneficial solution to an argument, rather than winning to boost their ego.
5. 5. One party belittles the other. Actively belittling your partner to make yourself feel superior (or if they do this to you) is hurtful and can be abusive. Even doing this subconsciously fosters resentment and encourages competition between partners.
6. 6. You don’t celebrate each others’ success. Feeling annoyed, resentful, or angry when your partner succeeds signifies that you’re in a competitive relationship. You might resent them for a choice, be jealous of good favor headed their way, or secretly rejoice when they fail.
7. 7. You keep score. If you find yourself tallying up who paid for coffee last or who walked the dog the most, there’s a chance that you’re trying to compete with your partner.

Every relationship is different, and the road to building a healthy dynamic depends on how you and your partner, friend, or family member want to work on things. However, there are many ways to stop competing:

1. 1. Find the root cause. Insecurities or jealousy in a relationship can make competition fester, but you need to know specifics before proceeding. Use your best communication skills in a conversation with your partner about your mutual feelings of competition. Reflect on situations where you’ve felt competitive and try to pinpoint why.
2. 2. Consult a licensed marriage and family therapist. Working with a licensed marriage and family therapist can ameliorate severely competitive relationships. This unbiased third party will help to guide the conversation, provide relationship advice, and evaluate the stressors triggering the competitive streak. If other mental health issues are impacting your relationship, a professional can help identify them and refer you to additional healthcare resources.
3. 3. Keep in mind that you’re a team. Try participating in a friendly competition (such as a local sports group, or join a trivia team) where you work on the same team as your partner. This partnership can serve as a great reminder that working toward a common goal together—rather than competing against one another—can be fun and rewarding.
4. 4. Work on being a supportive partner. Work on being a partner instead of a competitor. Compliment your partner, thank them for their actions, and practice active listening. Try to be helpful and take care of their needs.
5. 5. Reevaluate the relationship. A healthy relationship requires two people who respect and support each other. Knowing how to set boundaries and protect yourself from toxic relationships is an essential form of self-care. If that foundation isn’t there even after you’ve taken steps to stop competing with your partner, it might be time to consider whether you want to remain in this relationship.

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