Compersion Meaning: Compersion in Monogamy and Polyamory

In a general sense, the term “compersion” refers to the opposite of jealousy. Rather than feel a sense of possessiveness or envy toward another person as they experience joy, you celebrate their positive experiences alongside them.

The word initially came from Kerista, a polyamorous community based in San Francisco. To this day, the term remains in vogue among polyamorous people. It functions as a catchall term for describing the joy you might feel when a romantic partner enjoys the intimate and even sexual company of another person. Some monogamous people might feel uncomfortable with the notion of compersion.

Others have drawn a line between compersion and the Buddhist concept of mudita, which people translate to mean sympathetic joy. How you define this sympathetic joy is up to you and your partner. For some, it might mean finding happiness in the joy of their partner, devoid of any sexual undertones. Others might view a more romantic component as essential to their experience of compersion in regard to their partners.

In the context of an open relationship, compersion is essential. Nonmonogamous people feel it when their primary partners seek out sexual relationships with metamours (or additional lovers). It’s typical for these general feelings of happiness to mix in with jealousy. Still, people in nonmonogamous relationships look at both jealousy and compersion as emotions they can work with to grow as both individuals and members of relationship networks.

You can experience compersion even if you and your partner have no interest in romantic or sexual nonmonogamy. There’s no need to introduce any sexual compersion into your partnership to experience the emotion in a more generalized sense.

For example, if you feel happy when your romantic partner enjoys separate relationships with their friends and family members, you’re experiencing a form of compersion. Odds are, they’ve probably felt the same way about you enjoying your own friendships and familial ties. Similarly, it’s possible to become jealous of a partner’s friendships even if there’s no romantic or sexual component involved at all.

For compersion to be a positive experience, you must learn to subdue any possessive tendencies. Here are tips to consider as you try to foster compersion:

• Allow complexity. Compersion might be primarily a positive emotion, but it’s possible to feel negative emotions alongside it. You might even experience jealousy at the exact same time you experience compersion. The human heart is complex—allow yourself to feel all your emotions.
• Accept jealousy. If you’re trying to foster a sense of sexual compersion for your partner, be ready to feel romantic jealousy along the way. Still, this jealousy can act as an educator. Ask yourself why you feel this way, especially if your partner remains just as devoted to you as they did before you both started exploring new relationships. If you accept jealousy as one of many emotions, you’ll have a better chance of learning to control it.
• Be honest. If you feel negative emotions about your partner finding happiness with others, be honest with yourself and your partner about how they affect you. These feelings might be a speed bump on the road to happy and consensual nonmonogamy, or they might be proof you’re happier in a completely monogamous relationship. Remind yourself it’s okay to be polyamorous or monogamous—in either case, the most important things are openness and honesty. Practicing emotional vulnerability can even strengthen a couple’s relationship.
• Define what compersion means to you. While feelings of compersion are common in polyamory, you can experience these positive emotions in a monogamous context as well. Talk with your partner about the relationships the two of you have outside of your own, whether they’re friendly or romantic. Discuss what makes you comfortable, what makes you uncomfortable, and why and how you find happiness in relationships with others.
• Learn from discomfort. Feelings of jealousy and discomfort might be a sign you have unmet needs in your primary relationship. Pay attention to your feelings. Observe them mindfully rather than allow them to make you reactive. Discomfort often makes it possible for you to grow more than you would ever have been able to otherwise.
• Practice empathy. Finding happiness in your partner’s happiness is as much the definition of compersion as it is of empathy. Take a second to recognize your partner’s own feelings of joy, whether in their friendly or romantic relationships. Realize their happiness in spending quality time with other people has no negative effect on their happiness in spending time with you. Try to see things from their perspective as you explore what compersion can mean to both of you.
• Take small steps. As you open yourself up to experiencing compersion of one variety or another, take things slow. Prioritize the mental health and well-being of both your partner and yourself. There’s no need to jump into a polyamorous relationship if either of you are not ready or interested. Consensual nonmonogamy can be a component of compersion, but it doesn’t have to be.

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