Accountability in Relationships: How to Practice Accountability

Accountability in relationships is the practice of claiming responsibility for your actions and how they affect others. When people are accountable in their relationships, they understand how their behavior influences their partner or partners—whether positively or negatively—and make course corrections to maintain a healthier and more collaborative partnership. Accountability is a foundational principle of romantic relationships, bonds between family members and loved ones, and friendships.

When people are not accountable, they may refuse to acknowledge how their actions affect their partners, insisting their partner is the only one to blame for relationship problems. Common symptoms or sources of a lack of accountability in relationships include the “blame game,” selfish behaviors, and overall disconnection from arguments or tensions.

Accountability is a foundational principle in a healthy relationship because it:

1. 1. Builds self-awareness: To be accountable for your actions, you first have to understand what steps you’re taking and why; for example, you may find that any time you feel embarrassed, you lash out to redirect attention away from you. When you practice accountability in your relationships, you regularly take stock of what you’re doing, building awareness of your behaviors, habits, and tendencies.
2. 2. Encourages empathy: At its core, accountability is a practice between at least two people; rather than one person acting in a bubble, accountability is about one person thinking deeply about how their actions affect those around them. This practice encourages empathy or putting yourself in others’ shoes to consider how they feel, which is a fundamental part of a healthy relationship.
3. 3. Fosters a culture of collaboration: When everyone in a relationship agrees to be accountable, it establishes a culture of collaboration, in which each partner feels empowered to work together to make the relationship successful.

Here are tips to make relational and personal accountability a core part of your relationship:

1. 1. Involve your partner. Accountability is a collaborative practice, so make sure you involve your partner or partners throughout the process. Talking to your partner along the way helps you become more aware of your actions and how they affect others. Introduce the idea of relationship improvement with them during a calm time to show you’d like to work together to improve, rather than in the middle of a conflict, which can feel like you’re assigning more blame to them.
2. 2. Assess your regular behaviors. Take stock of your regular behaviors on your own or with your partner. Focus on common problem areas or moments that regularly lead to conflict, identifying a few behaviors that may be contributing to the tension. In addition, assess successful behaviors or everyday actions that strengthen the relationship and consider what contributes to these beneficial interactions.
3. 3. Consider how your actions affect your partner. Once you’ve identified a few regular behaviors, determine how they affect your partner or partners. Ask what makes your partner feel cared for and which of your habits make your partner feel upset. Talk to each other about what you consider “deal-breakers” in a relationship.
4. 4. Make changes that will benefit everyone. Once you’ve identified a few actions and how they affect your partner, consider any changes you can make to improve the relationship. Identify a plan to decrease negative behaviors and increase positive ones. Remember that a healthy relationship isn’t about changing yourself completely to make another person happy; instead, it’s about working together to improve your partnership. This process will naturally include compromises and sacrifices from every partner for the good of the relationship overall.
5. 5. Follow the same steps with each partner. Each participant in a relationship should identify their actions, the effects, and possible course corrections—this creates a more collaborative relationship in which every partner feels seen.
6. 6. Check in regularly. It’s normal for relationships to experience periods of improvement and complacency; to keep your energy focused on accountability, schedule regular check-ins to see how things are going. If you make mistakes, consider ways you both can work to avoid those same mistakes in the future.
7. 7. Consider involving a third party. If the process becomes tense or you find yourselves stuck, consider reaching out to a therapist or enrolling in couples therapy to engage in the process with a neutral third party.

Craving a little more intimacy? Grab a MasterClass Annual Membership and learn more about open communication with your partners, experimenting in the bedroom, and being your own best sexual advocate with a little help from Emily Morse (host of the wildly popular podcast Sex With Emily).